Quitting isn't the problem, but it's a bad solution to other unresolved ones.
Key points
Starting strong and then quittting is a common problem.
Often the underlying drivers are managing the tedium of the middle stages, poor plannig, getting discouraged.
The keys are recognizing your pattern, learning skills, having realistic expectations, getting support.
You’ve probably met people like Anne. If she looks back on her life, she sees it littered with hobbies—knitting, painting—that ran out of steam, house projects—planting a garden, building a bookcase—that were never finished. Others might have a great idea for a new business, or date someone new, but like Anne, it all fizzles out after a few weeks or months.
Quitting often makes sense for a lot of good reasons, but if you have a pattern of starting strong, then sputtering and eventually stopping, never gaining momentum or reaching your goals, maybe it's time to take a closer look at what might be going on. Here are the most common culprits:
#1: The excitement wears off.
Newness is often its own reward, a dopamine hit—the thrill of the novelty, the fantasies of what the doing will be like, what the finished product will look like. But excitement is hard to sustain; eventually, you slump into the more tedious middle. The oxytocin-fueled chemistry of those first dates naturally begins to wane; the digging in the garden and the hammering of boards become mindless chores, or a better business idea bubbles to the surface, pushing the other to the side.
#2: Poor planning at the start.
Creating that magical garden costs more than expected, or you never considered how to maintain the watering when you’re away; the business venture entails a lot of legal hassles that you never expected. Often, the driver here is impulsiveness: a let’s-go, why-not attitude takes over, but the details and potential challenges are lost in the enthusiastic dust
#3: You hit a roadblock and feel overwhelmed or discouraged.
You and your new date had a big argument on Saturday night, and instead of circling back and working through it, you decided this is way too much drama and trouble. You start a new painting but realize you don’t have the skills to bring your vision to life. You feel disappointed and discouraged, or overwhelmed, and unsure of what to do next. Under the weight of these reactions, you quit.
#4: You tend to be self-critical and perfectionistic.
The bookcase looks like something a third grader would build, the garden appears scraggly, and you should have used a different stitch or yarn for the sweater you’re knitting. You beat yourself up, decide you’ll never be a gardener, builder, or knitter, and then move on to something else.
Or, you’re a perfectionist. Your self-criticism keeps you from finishing because you think completion must mean perfection; finishing without perfection feels like failure, and failure isn’t acceptable. And so you never finish because you're keeping the door open for endless tweaks. You tell yourself you’ll eventually circle back and get it done, but your anxiety about it all and new distractions create endless excuses.
There’s an emotional thread running through all of these scenarios in which quitting is a behavioral solution for coping with uncomfortable feelings of boredom, disappointment, self-criticism, frustration, or feeling overwhelmed. The solution is to address these underlying problems. Here’s how to get started:
Step back, drill down, and recognize your pattern.
When you're in the thick of it all, your mind tends to focus on the cost, watering, legal issues, and arguments, but this is a classic case of not seeing the forest for the trees. The real issues are deeper—impulsiveness and lack of planning, unrealistic expectations, struggles with boredom, difficulty tolerating conflict, or self-criticism and perfectionism. These are about you—your personality, how you handle emotions, or how you see yourself and your goals. The first step is to recognize and acknowledge this pattern.
See these underlying drivers as a challenge; develop the skills you need.
If you have AD/HD, it may be driving your impulsivity or need for excitement; if so, tackle it directly by getting evaluated, considering medication, and learning organizational skills. Or, maybe it's about that scolding parent in your head, or your struggle with conflict or disappointment that you need to push back against or manage. Time to tackle these problems directly, or seek counseling to help you handle them.
Get support.
Counseling is one form of support, but there are less formal sources to tap into. Here, you brainstorm with a friend about your latest business idea before you start, and let them play devil’s advocate, or be the counter to the impulsiveness as you map out the garden design. Or, you go to the local knitting shop or sign up for community art classes to help you solve problems with the sweater or painting. Or, you simply enlist a friend to help you stay on track—someone you check in with once a week to report your progress or to give you a pep talk when you feel like quitting.
Take the bigger challenge.
While your current challenge seems to be a relationship or a project, ultimately it’s about cultivating discipline and perseverance, and changing how you talk to yourself and run your life.
Ready to accept the challenge?
If not now, when?