Childhood Stress: How Parents Can Help
Childhood Stress: How Parents Can Help
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
All kids and teens feel stressed at times. Stress is a normal response to changes and challenges. And life is full of those — even during childhood.
We tend to think of stress as a bad thing, caused by bad events. But upcoming good events (like graduations, holidays, or new activities) also can cause stress.
Kids and teens feel stress when there’s something they need to prepare for, adapt to, or guard against. They feel stress when something that matters to them is at stake. Change often prompts stress — even when it’s a change for the better.
Stress has a purpose. It’s a signal to get ready.
When Can Stress Be Helpful?
In small amounts, and when kids have the right support, stress can be a positive boost. It can help kids rise to a challenge. It can help them push toward goals, focus their effort, and meet deadlines. This kind of positive stress allows kids to build the inner strengths and skills known as resilience.
When Can Stress Be Harmful?
Stress or adversity that is too intense, serious, long-lasting, or sudden can overwhelm a child’s ability to cope. Stress can be harmful when kids don’t have a break from stress, or when they lack the support or the coping skills they need. Over time, too much stress can affect kids’ mental and physical health.
As a parent you can’t prevent your children from feeling stress. But you can help kids and teens cope. You can:
Help them use positive stress to go for goals, adapt to changes, face challenges, and gain confidence.
Give extra support and stability when they go through stressful life events.
Protect them from the harmful effects of too much stress, such as chronic stress and traumatic stress.
What Is Positive Stress?
Positive stress is the brief stress kids and teens feel when they face a challenge. It can prompt them to prepare and focus. It can motivate them to go for goals, get things done, or try new things. They might feel positive stress before a test, a big game, or a recital. When they face the challenge, the stress is over.
Positive stress gives kids the chance to grow and learn.
Here’s an example: The everyday pressure to get to school on time prompts kids to get their shoes on, gather their things, and head for the bus. But if kids don’t know how to use that positive stress, or don’t yet have the coping skills they need, it could mean a hectic race to the bus that leaves both parents and kids upset.
What parents can do: When it comes to handling that morning school prep (or any other moment of normal stress), it's tempting to step in and get everything ready for your child. But that won’t help kids learn how to use positive stress. Instead, teach kids how to prepare without doing it for them. This takes more time and patience, but it’s worth it.
This type of positive stress can prompt kids to adapt and gain coping skills they need. It can prepare them to handle life’s bigger challenges and opportunities.
What Is Life Event Stress?
Difficult Life Events
Many kids and teens face difficult life events or adversity. Some get sick or need a hospital stay. Some have parents who split up. Some face the death of a loved one, move to a new neighborhood, or start a new school. Any of these life events can cause stress.
When kids face difficult life events, they might feel stress on and off for a few days or weeks as they adjust.
What parents can do: Parents can provide extra support and stability. Listen and talk with your child. Help them feel safe and loved. If possible, let them know what to expect. Talk over what will happen, what they can do to cope, and how you’ll help. Give comfort and show caring. Set up simple routines to help them feel settled.
Good Life Events
Even life events that we think of as good can be stressful. A big birthday, the first day of a school year, graduation, holidays, or travel can prompt kids and teens to feel stress.
What parents can do: Parents can help kids and teens prepare for what’s ahead. Talk them through the situation, focusing on the positive parts. Give kids a say in the plans when possible. Listen to what they think and how they feel. If they feel stressed, let them know it’s OK and they can cope. You’ll be there for them as needed.
What Is Chronic Stress?
When difficult life events lead to stress that lasts for more than a few weeks, it’s called chronic stress. Chronic stress is hard on kids when they don’t have a break from it or when they don’t have the support they need or coping skills to offset the stress.
Having a serious health condition that lasts for a long time can lead to chronic stress. So can losing a parent or close family member or going through lasting adversity. Over time, stress like this can affect kids’ and teens’ mental and physical health. But there are things that can prevent the harmful effects of chronic stress.
What parents can do:
Help kids feel safe, loved, and cared for. This is the best way to offset stress. Feeling close to you and knowing you love and accept them is more important than ever. Provide routines, like the same bedtime, eating a meal together, or being there after school. Routines provide a rhythm and let kids know there are things they can count on.
Teach coping skills. Kids feel better when they know there are things they can do for themselves to offset their stress. Kids of all ages can learn and practice calm breathing and meditation. There are many other skills to learn too.
Help them take a break from stress. Make time to play, draw or paint, spend time in nature, read a book, play an instrument, be with friends and family. These activities are more than just fun. They help kids and teens feel positive emotions that offset stress.
What Is Traumatic Stress?
This is the stress that comes with trauma events that are serious, intense, or sudden. Traumas such as serious accidents or injuries, abuse, or violence can prompt this type of stress.
Parents can step in to protect kids when they know they are being mistreated or bullied. But it’s not always possible to protect kids from every type of trauma. If kids and teens go through traumatic stress, parents can help them get the care they need to recover.
What parents can do:
Give kids and teens extra support and care. Be there to listen and talk. Let kids know that they are safe. Validate and accept their feelings. Let them know that, with time, they will feel better.
Reach out to your child’s doctor or a therapist. Some need therapy to heal from traumatic stress. Parents can take part in the therapy and learn how to best help their child.
Spend positive time together. Encourage kids and teens to do things they enjoy. These might be things you can do together or things your teen does on their own, like enjoying music, nature, or art. These things prompt positive emotions that can offset some of the stress left over from trauma.
Give kids and teens a chance to use their strengths in everyday life. Trauma and stress can leave them feeling vulnerable, anxious, or unsure of themselves. Knowing what they can do and who they are as a person can help kids and teens feel strong and confident.
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How to Handle Holiday Stress
How to Handle Holiday Stress
The holiday season can bring as much stress as it does joy.
Posted December 8, 2022 | Matthew Scult Ph.D.
KEY POINTS
A recently released survey showed that 31 percent of adults expect to feel more stressed during these holidays compared to last year.
Prioritizing taking care of ourselves and managing holiday stress in healthy ways through the holidays is important.
Social obligations can quickly become overwhelming. Be aware of your limitations and permit yourself to set boundaries.
Focusing on the less commercial reasons for the holiday can remind us of less financially burdensome activities that give our holidays meaning.
For some, the holidays can be the most wonderful time of the year, filled with family, celebrations, and gifts. For others, these same things can have the opposite effect causing anxiety, loneliness, and, more often than not, stress. The American Psychiatric Association recently released a survey showing 31 percent of adults say they expect to feel more stressed during these holidays compared to last year.
The reality here is that holidays can bring as much stress as they do joy. And that’s okay. What is important to remember is that we take care of ourselves and manage that stress in healthy ways.
So what are the best ways to de-stress as we enter into the chaos of the holidays? How can we manage caring for ourselves when we’re focused on others? I spoke with my colleagues at Modern Health to get tips on handling stress over the coming weeks.
According to Jessica Watrous, clinical psychologist and Director of Clinical & Scientific Affairs at Modern Health, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves and our loved ones during the holidays to make things “perfect,” and when circumstances fail to meet this unrealistic expectation, it can leave us feeling frustrated or disappointed.
We have to be honest with ourselves about what we care about during the holiday season, how much time, energy, and money we have available, and acknowledge unrealistic expectations. By being honest with ourselves, we can actually cultivate more peace and joy during the holiday season.
I recommend writing down what you’re imagining for this holiday season and see if you can do a reality check on those expectations (e.g., shifting “everyone should all be happy and relaxed” to “there will likely be a mix of stressful moments and moments of joy.”).
Avoid Social Overload and Set Boundaries
Social obligations can quickly become overwhelming during the holiday season, including potentially challenging relationships with close and extended family. Additionally, as we enter the third pandemic holiday season and many people are forgoing masks in places we previously wore them and getting together indoors where we formerly avoided it, COVID-related stress can contribute to feeling overwhelmed.
Watrous shares that even if there aren’t concerns around varying tolerances to risk or relationship strains, just being around people as much as we are during the holiday season can be draining–even for those who usually enjoy socializing. Too many activities, even fun activities, can culminate in holiday stress leaving us feeling frazzled rather than fulfilled.
Ask yourself questions about which activities you want to attend instead of which you feel obligated to attend. I would encourage you to be aware of your limitations and give yourself permission to set boundaries so that those activities you partake in.
For activities that feel more like an obligation than a pleasure, see if you can set limits within those, perhaps going for a pre-designated amount of time or avoiding them altogether. If you don’t think you can decline them, see if you can focus on something that you might enjoy about the experience (“I’ve really been wanting to talk with Aunt Aisha about her new job.”).
Sensible Spending Now Saves Stress Later
We’re all experiencing or witnessing the news headlines rolling in, focusing on inflation, a looming economic recession, and resulting layoffs sweeping the globe. According to Watrous, it can be painful to experience financial stress that negatively impacts our ability to do all of the things we would like to do, especially when it comes to children and the holidays.
It can be helpful to remember that the commercial aspect of the holidays, such as gifts, may not be the reason you, your family, or your children are the most excited about the holidays. What other things do you enjoy about the holidays? What childhood memories do you have around the holiday season?
Focusing on the less commercial reasons, whether religious, family-oriented, or simply seasonal, can remind us of less financially burdensome activities that give our holidays meaning. One great way to re-focus our holidays away from commercialization is through volunteering our time to help support and take care of others.
Practice Self-Compassion
Clinical psychologist and Clinical Strategy Lead of Mental Health Equity at Modern Health, Tiffany Chang, shared that practicing self-compassion, particularly during the holiday season, is important. It allows us to recognize pain as part of what it means to be human and encourages us to be gentle and tender towards ourselves and move towards a place of kindness and care.
When practicing self-compassion, it is important to reflect on how you are talking to yourself and treating yourself during this time. You might practice talking to yourself in the way that you would talk to a loved friend. We often forget to extend loving support during challenging times to ourselves when it comes easily to us to take care of friends this way. You might also write a letter to yourself saying what a caring and encouraging friend might say to you at this moment. After writing this letter, take time to really savor this letter and feel the compassionate and comforting words.
Go Into the Season With A Self-Care Plan
Chang recommended making a self-care plan for the holiday season so that you have resources and coping tools close to hand. Remember to also maintain the self-care plan you may already have in place–if you’re already in therapy, continue going. If you’re taking medications, keep taking them. Be mindful of changes in your alcohol intake, eating habits, and sleep habits during this time. If you practice meditation, build it into your schedule over the holidays. While it is the season of giving, don’t deprioritize yourself.
In whatever way you typically create your schedule, it can be useful to add time for your self-care activities, particularly during the busy holiday season. Additionally, take a moment and write down those activities or tools that relax you, whether that is taking a walk, writing in a journal, deep breathing, listening to soothing music, or cooking.
When you start to feel stress or anxiety creep into your day, carve out time to walk away and engage in a pleasurable activity or use mindfulness techniques to bring you back to the present moment and notice how your experience changes from one moment to the next.
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5 Ways to Shake Shyness
5 Ways to Shake Shyness
Reviewed by: Colleen Sherman, PhD
Having a shy style isn't necessarily a problem. It's perfectly OK to take time to warm up to new people and situations. But shyness blocks some people from being as comfortable or sociable as they'd like to be.
Some people want to feel less shy so they can have more fun socializing and being themselves around others. Here are some tips for overcoming shy feelings:
Start small with people you know. Practice social behaviors like eye contact, confident body language, introductions, small talk, asking questions, and invitations with the people you feel most comfortable around. Smile. Build your confidence this way. Then branch out to do this with new friends, too.
Think of some conversation starters. Often, the hardest part of talking to someone new is getting started. Think of conversation openers, like introducing yourself ("Hi, I'm Chris, we're in the same English class"), giving a compliment ("That jacket looks great on you"), or asking a question ("Do you know when our report is due?"). Being ready with a conversation starter (or a few) makes it easier to approach someone.
Rehearse what to say. When you're ready to try something you've been avoiding because of shyness — like a phone call or a conversation — write down what you want to say beforehand. Rehearse it out loud, maybe even in front of the mirror. Then just do it. Don't worry if it's not exactly like you practiced or if it's not perfect. Few of the things more confident-seeming people do are perfect either. Be proud that you gave it a go. Next time, it'll be even better because it will be easier.
Give yourself a chance. Find group activities where you can be with people who share your interests. Give yourself a chance to practice socializing with these new people, and get to know them slowly. People who are shy often worry about failing or how others will judge them. Worries and feelings like these can keep you from trying. If self-criticism plays a role for you, ask yourself whether you'd be this critical of your best friend. Chances are you'd be much more accepting. So treat yourself like your own best friend. Encourage yourself instead of expecting to fail.
Develop your assertiveness. Because shy people can be overly concerned with other peoples' reactions, they don't want to rock the boat. That doesn't mean they're wimpy or cowardly. But it can mean they are less likely to be assertive. Being assertive means speaking up for yourself when you should, asking for what you want or need, or telling other people when they're stepping on your toes.
Most of all, be yourself. It's OK to try out different conversational approaches you see others using. But say and do what fits your style. Being the real you — and daring to let yourself be noticed — is what attracts friends.
