Feeling Numb, Angry, or Overwhelmed by Roe v. Wade News? Here’s a 10-Step Action Plan To Take Care of Yourself

Feeling Numb, Angry, or Overwhelmed by Roe v. Wade News? Here’s a 10-Step Action Plan To Take Care of Yourself

Erica Sloan

Updated June 24, 2022

For many, the news of the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade has whipped up a whirlwind of emotions, and understandably so. In addition to compromising abortion access, the destruction of Roe creates legal precedent for regulating the bodies of people with vaginas, which experts suspect may lead to trickle-down effects, like limits on contraceptive access and criminalization of miscarriage. With these major shifts now within the realm of possibility, it's only natural to feel anxious, worried, overwhelmed, or all of the above. But just because the erasure of a protective law is outside your control doesn’t mean the way you react to it is, too. In fact, there are tangible steps you can take to manage stress about the Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health Organization decision right now.

First, it’s important to validate for yourself that the overturning of a nearly 50-year precedent protecting the right to abortion can be a traumatic event, point blank. “This decision is causing trauma for many, many people because it reflects a taking away of rights and a loss of rights,” says trauma therapist Shannon Moroney, author of Heal for Real. And inherent to that loss is a lot of uncertainty and unknowing about the future—not unlike the experience we’ve just gone through with the pandemic, says trauma-informed therapist Gina Moffa, LCSW: “It’s that sense of losing everything that feels safe or reliable and having no place to fall back on.”

“This decision is causing trauma for many, many people because it reflects a taking away of rights and a loss of rights.” —Shannon Moroney, trauma therapist

For others, the Roe v. Wade decision may resurrect past traumas relating to bodily autonomy, pregnancy, motherhood, or a desire for any of the above. “People may not be aware that there’s a re-traumatization happening now,” says Moffa. “What’s coming up could remind someone of when they were assaulted, or when they watched somebody lose their rights, or when they previously had an abortion or wanted one but couldn’t get one.” And in any of these cases, processing that preexisting trauma may be key to confronting the present situation.

Whatever shape your response takes, learning to manage stress about the Roe v. Wade decision starts with identifying the particular feelings you’re having, and engaging in practices that restore your control over them. Below, trauma-informed therapists and wellness practitioners share 10 specific strategies you can use to do just that.

How to manage stress about the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade

1. Figure out what, exactly, you’re feeling

It's key to take a beat to see what’s coming up for you. “The questions you want to ask yourself are, ‘How am I reacting right now?’ and ‘Why am I reacting this way?’” says Moroney.

Answering those questions may require some uninterrupted time and attention—so, if you're struggling to make out anything beyond generalized overwhelm, it's worth asking your manager if you can take the day off. (You don’t need to disclose it as a "mental-health day," though you certainly can if that’s something to which you suspect they’d respond well.) “Once you’ve taken sufficient time to understand where your reaction might be originating, you’ll be more capable of crafting a response that sits well with you,” says Moroney.

2. Target and address the feeling in your body

Stress—and, in particular, stress related to fear or uncertainty—comes along with a physical response. “It triggers the body’s fight-or-flight instinct,” says Moffa, “and when your body feels like it’s under attack, it’ll gear up for that.” The result is physical tension, which different people hold in different parts of the body.

To treat this, Moroney suggests trying to locate where your stress-as-tension might be residing—whether that’s in the chest, stomach, shoulders, or somewhere else entirely. “Once you’ve located it, close your eyes and see if you can visualize whatever that emotion is as moving in a spiral,” she says, referencing an exercise she practices with clients who are managing trauma. “Then, identify whether it seems to be moving clockwise or counterclockwise—and once you figure that out, attempt to move it in the opposite direction.” This subtle mind trick can have the effect of dissipating or de-energizing the negative feeling, she says.

3. Use containment

Maybe you feel like you don’t have the time or the energy to address the stress, anxiety, or other feelings that are bubbling up for you in response to the Roe v. Wade decision. Or maybe you feel tired by the mere thought of the feeling itself. In this case, Moffa suggests practicing containment, which is a mindfulness exercise that allows you to “contain” the feeling in a metaphorical box to be dealt with at a later point.

Here’s how it works: “Picture your brain channeling the worries you have about this issue into a container that you create—which could be a vault or a box or a safe,” says Moffa. “Whatever it is, be sure that it has a door or a lid, which you can freely open to add the feelings inside, and then close to keep them safe.” The idea is that you’re setting aside these feelings to be addressed at a time when you’re not preoccupied (say, at 5 p.m. or after work) and not just shoving them away. “The act of creating the container also takes your mind to a place where it’s in control of something—which can be soothing, in and of itself,” adds Moffa.

4. Do the “five fingers, five senses” exercise

Stressful events can sometimes trigger a dissociative state, in which you really feel like you’re not “in” your body, or you’re watching things unfold from afar. If this resonates with you, Moroney suggests trying the “five fingers, five senses” exercise: “Identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste,” says Moroney. “And give it lots of detail—like, 'I’m touching this couch, and I can feel the velvet,' and 'I can also feel the small tufts,' and so on.”

This sensory identification has the immediate effect of dropping you back into the present moment and grounding you in your space. “It automatically slows your heart rate down, while also taking your focus off of the anxious feelings,” says Moffa, “which can make them seem less overwhelming.”

5. Get in motion

“I always tell my clients that stressful emotions are better in motion,” says Moffa. “They’re fear-based things that live in the body, so it’s important that when you’re processing them, you involve the body, too.”

"Stressful emotions are better in motion. They’re fear-based things that live in the body, so it’s important that when you’re processing them, you involve the body, too.” —Gina Moffa, LCSW, trauma-informed therapist

By contrast, stillness or idleness can really let things stew and work to feed the energy that causes stress, says certified Pilates instructor Katie McKenzie, founder of the A La Ligne movement method. She suggests finding “any movement that allows you to move that excess fire,” which could mean something high-energy like boxing or dancing, or something slow-going like a grounding nature walk. Figuring out what works best for you could require some experimentation, but whatever modality you choose, follow it up with ample time to wind down and rest, says McKenzie.

6. Practice self-holding

Compassion can be a helpful balm for stress—but figuring out how to offer it to yourself can also feel awkward or tricky in the moment. That’s why trauma-informed yoga teacher and massage therapist Natalie McGreal suggests taking a physical approach, and letting the mental-emotional side of things follow.

Specifically, she recommends this version of a self-hug: “In a comfortable seat or lying down, cross your arms in front of your chest, placing one hand below the opposite armpit, and using the other to hold the opposite upper arm. Close your eyes if that feels comfortable, and breathe at a pace that feels nourishing, bringing your attention to the embrace of your own arms and hands,” she says. This is a literal way of holding space for yourself that can feel just as mentally soothing. To amplify the effect, couple it with a kind affirmation, such as "In this moment, I am alive and safe," she says.

7. Find a creative outlet for high-octane feelings

When stress manifests as anger or rage, it often requires a certain kind of dedicated outlet. “Anger is an emotion that takes a lot of energy,” says Moroney. “While it’s an essential emotion that can create real change, it’s also important to make sure it comes out safely, without harming anyone.” That might mean engaging in some good old scream therapy (as in, literally screaming into a pillow to release anything pent-up) or doing any sort of heart-pumping cardiovascular activity. As for Moroney’s take? She prefers to channel it into art.

“Go to the dollar store and get a canvas, or find some construction paper and some cheap paints, and paint with reckless abandon,” she says. “Expressive art is all about process, not product, so the golden rule is, ‘don’t think, just feel.’ The most important thing is that you are connected to the emotion, and just letting it present itself on whatever canvas you have.”

8. Make noise and take action

Because feelings of stress related to the overturning of Roe v. Wade are often underscored by a sense of powerlessness or voicelessness, managing that stress may require reclaiming some of your (you guessed it) power or voice, says Moroney. And yes, it is possible to do that, even as an individual. That might mean making a donation to an abortion access fund, joining a protest against the Supreme Court’s pending decision, or volunteering at a local abortion clinic. Even sharing information on social media regarding safe abortion access can help restore your sense of agency—which can go a long way toward bolstering your mental health, says Moroney.

9. Connect openly with people you trust

“We’re hardwired for co-regulation in times of distress,” says McKenzie. And finding someone to lean on, vent to, or get vulnerable with right now could be just the thing you need to regulate your own stressful feelings. “This should be a loved one or someone whom you can trust will really understand what page you’re on because they’re on the same one,” says Moffa.

Once you’ve identified that person or people in your life, it’s helpful to think about what it is that you need from them before you reach out, whether that’s advice or just an ear to listen, says Moffa. In the case of the former, you might say, “Hey, I’m just a puddle on the floor right now, and I really need a pep talk,” she suggests, or in the case of the latter, it might be, “I just really need to vent right now about how I’m feeling.”

And if you don’t know what you need? Be upfront and honest about that, too, she adds. That might just mean saying, “Hey, I don’t really know how I’m feeling or what I need from this conversation, but I wanted to share that this is what’s coming up for me right now.”

10. Seek out a therapist

If your feelings of stress or overwhelm start to mount to the point where they’re interfering with your ability to lead a productive life, it may be time to seek professional assistance. To do so swiftly, your best bet is using a virtual therapy platform, most of which have dozens of therapists at their disposal, increasing your chances that you’ll find one who’s a match for your unique background and experiences.

Positive Self Talk Can Sound Like

NASW's Position on Roe v. Wade: Reproductive Rights Are Human Rights

Reproductive Rights Are Human Rights

NASW remains resolute in our commitment to protect reproductive rights and freedoms. NASW affirms all individuals have a right to bodily autonomy, that abortion is health care, and that all individuals have the right to freedom of choice in accessing essential health care services most especially their reproductive health. 

The U.S. Supreme Court on June 24, 2022, revoked Roe v. Wade, and various states are poised to enact laws to restrict access to abortion and reproductive health care. We have created this page as a resource to keep social workers up to date on reproductive rights issues and give them tools they can use to support reproductive rights.

Message from NASW President Angelo McClain and President Mildred "Mit" Joyner after the U.S. Supreme Court decision:

"NASW is not surprised but still outraged by the U.S. Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. This association believes everyone should have the right to make their own decisions when it comes to their reproductive health. We are not going back. NASW will continue to mobilize on a state, federal and court level to do what is necessary to protect reproductive rights."

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Anything That Could Go Wrong...

What Is Self-Care and Why Is It So Important for Your Health?

By Moira LawlerMedically Reviewed by Justin Laube, MD

Reviewed: May 19, 2021

Let’s clear up one common misconception from the get-go: Self-care is not synonymous with self-indulgence or being selfish. Self-care means taking care of yourself so that you can be healthy, you can be well, you can do your job, you can help and care for others, and you can do all the things you need to and want to accomplish in a day.

If you think you’ve been hearing more about self-care now, you’re right. One indicator: According to Google Trends, the number of searches for “self-care” has more than doubled since 2015.

Paula Gill Lopez, PhD, an associate professor and chair of the department of psychological and educational consultation at Fairfield University in Fairfield, Connecticut, says the need for self-care is obvious. “We have an epidemic of anxiety and depression,” she says. “Everybody feels it.”

Self-care is part of the answer to how we can all better cope with daily stressors, explains Kelsey Patel, a Los Angeles–based wellness expert and the author of the forthcoming book Burning Bright: Rituals, Reiki, and Self-Care to Heal Burnout, Anxiety, and Stress. It’s work stress. It’s the stress of trying to keep up with the pace of daily life, which technology has hastened more than ever (just think how many emails come flooding into your inbox each day). “People are feeling lonelier and less able to unwind and slow down, which makes them feel more anxious and overwhelmed by even the simplest tasks,” Patel says.

At Everyday Health, self-care is taking steps to tend to your physical and emotional health needs to the best of your ability. 

Here, we explore the trend, where the definition of self-care comes from, and what it can do for your long-term health.

What Is Self-Care, and Why Is It Critical for Your Well-Being?

Several organizations and researchers take a health-oriented approach when defining self-care. The World Health Organization defines self-care as: “the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider.”

According to this definition, self-care includes everything related to staying physically healthy — including hygiene, nutrition, and seeking medical care when needed. It’s all the steps an individual can take to manage stressors in his or her life and take care of his or her own health and well-being.

Common Questions & Answers

What are the benefits of practicing self-care?

Self-care is anything you do to take care of yourself so you can stay physically, mentally, and emotionally well. Its benefits are better physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being. Research suggests self-care promotes positive health outcomes, such as fostering resilience, living longer, and becoming better equipped to manage stress.

Can self-care help prevent disease or illness?

What are some examples of self-care?

How do I start a self-care routine?

Some researchers have adopted a similarly clinical approach. A 2010 study published in JBI Library of Systematic Reviews defined self-care as "the set of activities in which one engages throughout life on a daily basis,” focusing on promoting health, preventing illness, and managing issues that come up.

A study published in BMC Palliative Care in April 2018 took self-care to mean “the self-initiated behavior that people choose to incorporate to promote good health and general well-being.” The study authors added that it’s about being healthy but also about incorporating coping strategies to deal with work stressors.

In 2019 researchers published a self-care framework in The BMJ to specifically point out that in addition to self-care being the activities individuals do on their own to promote physical and emotional health, it also includes the ways that individuals interact with clinicians and healthcare systems to tend to physical and emotional health. That means self-care includes things like getting a vaccine, scheduling cancer screenings, or taking prescription medications on schedule — but healthcare providers and organizations play a role, too, in how well individuals engage in these self-care practices. In other words: There are a lot of people and factors that bear on any one individual’s ability to engage in self-care.

As self-care has become more mainstream, the definitions have started to become more applicable to the general public and tend to focus on tuning in to one’s needs and meeting those needs. “Self-care is anything that you do for yourself that feels nourishing,” says Marni Amsellem, PhD, a licensed psychologist based in Trumbull, Connecticut.

“That can be something that’s relaxing or calming, or it can be something that is intellectual or spiritual or physical or practical or something you need to get done,” she says.

The International Self-Care Foundation also includes health literacy as a pillar of self-care, meaning that any steps you take toward better understanding health information you need to make appropriate decisions about your health and well-being counts as self-care, too.

This is why at Everyday Health, self-care is all the steps you take to tend to your physical and emotional health in the ways you are best able to do so.

Self-care requires checking in with yourself and asking yourself how you’re doing and what your body’s asking for. Some people use it to deal with difficult news stories, others just to maintain their happiness day to day. Self-care does not mean the same thing for everyone. Different people will adopt different self-care practices, and even your own definition might change over time. “What is self-care for one person will likely differ from someone else, and what’s self-care for you one day might not feel like self-care another day,” Dr. Amsellem says.

Engaging in self-care regularly could help you put your best foot forward. “When we are regularly taking care of ourselves, we are better able to react to the things that go on in our lives,” Amsellem says. “It’s something we do to maintain positive well-being.”

“When self-care is regularly practiced, the benefits are broad and have even been linked to positive health outcomes such as reduced stress, improved immune system, increased productivity, and higher self-esteem,” says Brighid Courtney, of Boston, a client leader at the wellness technology company Wellable and a faculty member at the Wellness Council of America (WELCOA).

Types of Self-Care

“It could be anything that floats your boat — anything that puts a smile on your face,” Dr. Gill Lopez says. “Anything that makes you feel cared for, even if it's you caring for yourself.”

There are a few different categories of self-care:

• Emotional self-care, such as self-talk, weekly bubble baths, saying “no” to things that cause unnecessary stress, giving yourself permission to take a pause, or setting up a weekly coffee date with a friend

• Physical self-care, such as prioritizing sleep, adopting an exercise routine you can stick with, choosing healthy and nourishing foods over highly processed ones

• Spiritual self-care, such as attending a religious service, spending time in nature, meditating, incorporating regular acts of kindness into your day, or keeping a gratitude journal

Additionally, Gill Lopez puts self-care into two further categories: temporary and enduring.

An example of temporary self-care is going to dinner with a friend. You’ll benefit from the social connection, but it won’t last for very long after you part ways.

Enduring self-care, on the other hand, has more permanent effects. Gill Lopez says an example of this is practicing mindfulness regularly, because it leads to brain changes, she says. According to a study (one of many on this topic) published in Psychiatry Research, eight weeks of mindfulness training led to changes in gray matter concentrations in the brain areas involved with learning and memory processes, emotion regulation, self-referential processing, and perspective taking.

“You reap the benefits of mindfulness whether you're [actively] doing it or not,” Gill Lopez says.

What Counts as Self-Care and What Doesn’t

There’s no way to say exactly what counts as self-care, because everyone’s definition is their own and unique.

The underlining rule is that it's something that brings you more sustained joy in the long run, Courtney says. And though there are plenty of examples of self-care that seem to tread a fine line between a health-enhancing behavior and self-indulgence, self-care doesn’t have to be about padding your calendar with luxurious experiences or activities that cost money (though it certainly can).

Consider a manicure or a massage or any other pampering activity. It might seem indulgent, but if the activity helps you de-stress and carve out time for yourself, it counts as self-care, Amsellem says. If weekly manicures or monthly spa days are beyond your means, there are plenty of other self-care practices you can adopt.

“Self-care does not have to cost anything — it’s just doing things you enjoy. And a lot of the things we enjoy or feel fulfilled from cost nothing,” Amsellem says. “Stepping outside and taking a deep breath, for example, might be the greatest act of self-care.”

Even if you can’t spend lots of time and money, Gill Lopez says you can still practice self-care several times a week by turning things you do every day into self-care practices.

Maybe you try being more mindful of your thoughts on your commute, or maybe you find ways to make daily tasks, like showering, more enjoyable. Pick a soap with a scent that you love and focus on the physical sensations of the shower. Gill Lopez says: What does your shower smell like? What does it sound like? How does the warm water feel on your skin? “For about 10 minutes in the shower, which I have to do anyway, instead of letting my monkey brain run wild, I’m right there,” she says.

Daily chores like making your bed in the morning are also examples of self-care — or can be. “This is where that individuality comes into play, because for some people there is no way making a bed feels like self-care — it may just feel like a chore,” Amsellem says. But if it helps you claim your day and gives you a sense of accomplishment early on, you’ll have that with you even if the rest of the day gets derailed, Amsellem says.

The simple act of making your bed in the morning likely isn’t sufficient to account for all your self-care, she says. You may need to routinely devote time and energy to other self-care practices, she adds. “But if there are some days when you feel out of control, on those days, starting the day off doing what you wanted to do for yourself might be one of the biggest forms of self-care you engage in that day.”

And sometimes when all of our other self-care plans get thrown out of whack (you worked through your yoga class, your friend canceled your coffee date — we’ve all been there), it’s those small practices of self-care that provide just enough calm to help us get through the day and wake up in a better mood tomorrow.

The Effects: How Self-Care Benefits Your Health and Well-Being

Many common self-care practices have been linked to longevity and other positive health outcomes, says Ellen K. Baker, PhD, a psychologist based in Washington, DC. There's a lot of research, for example, showing that things like exercise, yoga, and mindfulness are supportive of mental and physical health, she says.

An article published in January 2020 in JAMA noted that longevity in the 21st century depends on abiding by healthy practices — such as exercising, not smoking, and following a healthy diet — and also embracing a positive lifestyle all around.

Paying attention to your well-being involves asking yourself big questions (such as "What brings me satisfaction?"), and then finding ways to get there, according to that report.

The following self-care practices have been well-researched and linked to a longer life:

• Exercise People who exercised between two and eight hours per week throughout their lives reduced their risk of dying by 29 to 36 percent, according to a March 2019 study published in JAMA Network Open.

• Finding Purpose According to the researchers behind a May 2019 study published in JAMA Network Open, having a strong life purpose was associated with decreased mortality rates.

• Diet Eating a diet filled with five servings of fruits and vegetables per day was associated with a lower risk of mortality, especially from heart-related issues, according to a July 2014 study published in The BMJ.

• Sleep A study published in September 2017 in the Journal of the American Heart Association found too-little sleep (less than seven hours per night) was linked with higher mortality rates, though too-much sleep wasn’t healthy either.

• Getting Outside According to a 2019 study published in Lancet Planet Health, spending time in green space is associated with a lower mortality rate.

The clinical evidence documenting the long-term health benefits of specifically taking a self-care approach to health (over other approaches) is less robust, but it is building.

For instance, research shows that people with chronic conditions who were more likely to follow medication regimens, to be knowledgeable about how to take care of their health, and to have the skills to take care of their health (characteristics that are considered part of self-care), indeed, were more likely to score higher when it came to measures of mental and physical functioning.

Gill Lopez has led self-care workshops for students, professionals, and community members at national conferences, in school districts, and on campus at Fairfield University. Most workshops are two to three hours, and she leads about 15 to 20 per year. She says after her workshops, participants report psychological, emotional, spiritual, and professional improvements. They say they’re more in tune with their own emotions and can more easily identify when they’re feeling anxious or unbalanced. This self-awareness helps people perform better in their jobs, enables them to be more mindful, and helps them combat burnout, she explains.

How to Start a Self-Care Routine

To get started with a self-care routine, the experts we spoke with suggest:

1. Determine which activities bring you joy, replenish your energy, and restore your balance.

2. Start small by choosing one behavior you’d like to incorporate into your routine in the next week.

3. Build up to practicing that behavior every day for one week.

4. Reflect on how you feel.

5. Add in additional practices when ready.

6. Get support through sharing practices from loved ones, a coach, a licensed professional (like a therapist or dietitian), or through your healthcare plan, community, or workplace.

Practicing self-care doesn’t need to be a heavy lift right out of the gate. Here are a few ideas to ease you into your self-care journey:

• Journal.

• Start each day by paying attention to your breath for five minutes and setting intentions for the day.

• Eat breakfast.

• Reflect on what you’re grateful for each night.

• Put your phone on airplane mode for a half hour each night and release yourself from the flurry of notifications.

• Call a friend just to say hello.

• Take up a relaxing hobby.

• Pick a bedtime and stick to it.

Note, if you read this and feel a sense of demoralization or sadness from challenges mounting or establishing a self-care practice, its best to get help and support. There may be barriers to caring for yourself from past trauma, mental health issues, or family situations that may be making it more challenging to get started. Seek support from trusted counselors and behavioral health providers (like therapists), a trusted primary care doctor, or a close friend. 

The bottom line: Self-care can have a positive effect on your health and outlook, but it requires a commitment or intention to invest in your well-being. “Self-care is a choice that each individual can make to proactively take care of their well-being,” Courtney says. And it tends to be well worth the time and any money you spend. “We need to remove the stigma that being kind to and taking care of ourselves is self-indulgent or selfish,” Courtney says.

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How and Why to Take a Break From the News

Why and How to Take a Break From the News

The world is "on fire" and so are our central nervous systems. Breaks help.

Posted January 13, 2021

This week, in America, and around the world, our ability to focus, be present to our daily lives, and stay emotionally regulated is at great risk. Historic events are unfolding before our eyes and critically important news stories are constantly evolving. The resulting state of high alert is taking a massive toll on our collective and individual well being.

If we are to move through the next week with any sense of agency and groundedness, it is imperative that we do some thinking about the way in which we will (or will not) engage media. Our near-constant connection to our devices has always come with certain benefits and costs to our well being. This particular time in history provides a uniquely tricky challenge in balancing these. Yes, we must be informed. We must also, however, tend to our own physical and mental health, both of which are impacted by the sensational way in which history is playing out.

In order to care for ourselves well, we would benefit from considering our media intake and making a plan for taking breaks throughout this week. Here are some ideas to that end:

1. Establish a self-check norm and set limits on access to media. Our constant awareness of evolving and provocative current events, along with our immediate access to information, leaves us unable to be fully present to ourselves and the situations we are physically in. The knowledge that something new and frightening/angering/exciting/traumatic could occur at any moment puts us and our bodies on high alert and in fight, flight, freeze, or faint mode.

Creating a habit of checking in with ourselves before accessing news sources can go a long way toward maintaining a sense of emotional balance. If we feel we must access the news, making a commitment to identify our emotional state, and taking at least one action to address it before doing so can help.

If we are already anxious or feeling distressed, taking three or four deep breaths and naming at least one thing we are grateful for before tuning in would go a long way toward approaching the news from a place of grounding.

Similarly, as we step away from checking current events, asking ourselves if there are big feelings we need to address (or exhale away to be addressed later) can help.

Practically, deleting news and social media apps from our phones and committing to only using them on a desktop or tablet can help limit unconscious news checking and doom scrolling. Pre-choosing specific times to check the news each day is also a good strategy. If we find ourselves tempted to seek out information between these times, it would help us to find something appealing or soothing to engage outside of the digital domain (number 4 below will help with this).

2. Set specific times to take breaks and stick to them. We can set alarms or ask friends to hold us accountable. Letting people who may reach out to us during our breaks know that we won’t be responding would be a good idea. It’s important to do everything in our power to set ourselves up for success. The reward will be a greater sense of agency and grounding in our day.

3. At least once a day, commit to stepping away from all media. It’s easy to think that only current events and news stories can stress us. The reality is, however, that social media use is not only correlated with a higher incidence of anxiety and depression but that it can also cause both. To step away from the news and into social media just means a switch in the kind of potential distress we expose ourselves to. If relational connection is what we need during our time away from the news, consider a phone call to a trusted friend, agreeing not to discuss current events, rather than mindless scrolling through social media.

4. Find, invest in, and have on hand things/ideas/activities to engage with when stepping away from media. Put a jump rope or balance board where they are easy to engage or leave a bowl of Legos or Kinetic Sand on the coffee table. There are plenty of high-quality manipulative games and skill toys available at our local toy or hobby stores and they are not just for children. These offer something for our hands and mind to engage while we’re doing the hard work of stepping away from our devices.

A few of my favorites are Perplexus Maze Balls, Rush Hour, Number Tile Scramble Games, Yo-Yos, Kendamas, and Luna Sticks. Learning a simple origami technique or doing a brain dump, writing down everything in our minds for five minutes without stopping, might also be good activities to try. For ultimate impact, get outside or near an open window during the break and move. Fresh air and movement help calm the central nervous system which is on high alert during times of cultural distress.

5. Get perspective. The news is going to be constantly changing in the next few weeks. Taking 30 minutes away from all updates and devices may mean we miss something but it doesn’t, necessarily, put us at risk. In fact, consistent times away from media will actually help us be able to synthesize new information (when we return) and give us the resources we need to stay emotionally regulated while doing so.

If you are a member of a vulnerable population it’s likely that you feel a heightened need to be informed of changes in national or local events almost immediately. This makes sense. If this is the case for you, consider forming a “pod” of people with whom you can share responsibility for knowing and sharing current events. For instance, if there are three other people who share your vulnerabilities, you might consider making a schedule where each of you covers a certain period of the day “on call,” promising to inform others of any pressing changes while they take time away from the news media. This time away is crucial for maintaining health in these trying times.

Be Kind To Your Mind

Family dynamics can lift you up (or drag you down)

By Shonna Waters, PhD

December 10, 2021 - 19 MIN READ

For many of us, family is one of the most important aspects of our lives. Whether biological or chosen, it’s our family members that we rely on for support.

But like all relationships, there are dynamics at play.

Our family dynamics can significantly impact our mental health in both positive and negative ways. Because of this, it’s important to understand how your own family dynamics have shaped you.

Let’s explore some examples of healthy and less-healthy family dynamics (even toxic ones). Then, we’ll discuss how you can work on building positive family dynamics.

What are family dynamics?

Family dynamics are the patterns of interactions between family members. These include roles, hierarchies, and communication between family members. Family dynamics are how members of a family interact with each other in relation to their individual goals and preferences.

Our family dynamics can strongly influence how we see ourselves, others, and the world around us. Plus, they influence our behaviors, well-being, and work relationships. Our families are where we first learn to relate to others.

But family isn't destiny. Once we become aware of how our family influences us, we can have more control over whether those dynamics shape our perceptions and actions.  

The dynamics in our families aren't limited to current, living generations. They also include previous generations, as we still feel the effects of some of their traditions, structures, and habits.

To better understand the meaning of family dynamics, we need to dig a little deeper. Various factors influence our family dynamics, including:

• Family members’ ages

• Family members’ personalities

• The relationship between the parents of a family

• A parent who is relaxed or strict

• An absent parent

• Intergenerational homes

• The job requirements of working parents

• A family member with a disability or chronic illness

• Issues such as substance use or abusive relationships

• Parent and grandparent family dynamics

• Events such as divorce, affairs, trauma, grief, or unemployment and resulting job search depression

• Secure or insecure family attachments

• Culture, ethnicity, and family values about gender roles and responsibilities

• Family members’ power or status

• Type and level of influence from family members
  

6 types of family dynamics

Various types of dynamics are present within each family system. They dictate how a family functions and the power roles parents and siblings play.

Let’s take a closer look at six types of family dynamics:

1. Authoritarian

Authoritarian dynamics can be summed up as being all about following the rules without any exceptions. In this family dynamic, one family member is very controlling. They expect others to follow them without negotiation or questioning. 

Other family members aren’t allowed to be involved in solving challenges and problems or to share their opinions. Failure to adhere to the rules is usually met with punishment rather than constructive feedback.

For example, the head of the household sets the rules for when everyone in the family must be home for dinner. If anyone is late, they are met with aggression and punishment.

2. Authoritative

Authoritative dynamics also involve rules and consequences, but not in the same way as authoritarian dynamics. One individual sets the rules while validating other family members’ feelings and respecting their opinions. 

The authoritative family member stays in charge. They use positive discipline such as reward systems and praise to reinforce good behavior. They don't use threatening punishment for disobeying the rules.

Let’s look at an example of a nuclear family with an authoritative family dynamic. The parents set clear household rules for their children, and explain the reasons behind their rules. Rather than saying, “Eat your vegetables because I said so,” they say, “Eat your vegetables so you can help your body and your brain grow.”

3. Competitive

With competitive family dynamics, family members are continuously competing with one another. There is a sense of rivalry within the household, as members try to outshine their relatives. This competition could be for many things, such as attention, recognition, or power.

Competitive dynamics can take place between siblings when parents encourage their children to challenge each other. Another example is spouses competing over their professional achievements, whether that’s promotions, raises, or who has the highest salary.

4. Uninvolved

When uninvolved dynamics are present, family members aren’t present to one another, even when they’re in the same room. Individuals don’t really know what the other members of the family are doing. There is often a lack of support and guidance.

As an example, one person in a marriage may be totally disinterested in their spouse’s life. Rather than asking their partner how their day was or supporting them in times of need, they are dismissive and neglectful.

5. Communal

The presence of communal dynamics emphasizes the family as a community in which every member makes a contribution. Individual opinions are respected, and all voices are heard.

In a communal family structure, tasks are shared, and everyone helps set rules and solve problems and challenges. All family members are encouraged to actively participate in making decisions and setting rules.

6. Alliance-based

Alliance-based dynamics lead to members of the family grouping together and playing off each other. Certain family members form alliances in order to gain leverage over other members of the family. They agree to work together for mutual interest. This agreement can be explicit or implied.

For example, in a step family, biological siblings may form alliances against their step-siblings. Or a child may form an alliance with one parent and pit them against the other parent or their siblings.

Family dynamics and self-awareness

The family dynamics of our childhood, as well as our current family dynamics, can impact our behavior, relationships, and work. One of the reasons for this is that those dynamics can trigger various emotions. In some cases, it can lead to emotional labor.

Those emotions can also be triggered if we find ourselves in situations with similar dynamics to what we experience in our family units. Self-awareness is a key element in understanding how our family roles impact us and our work. Many of us are unaware of how those dynamics affect our emotional well-being.

Writing for Harvard Business Review, Roger Jones explained that early family life can affect leaders in various ways.

For example, those early dynamics can affect leaders’ reactions to team members who vie for attention. It can also impact their relationships with people who report to them and how they respond to pressure.

Sometimes, we subconsciously redirect our feelings from childhood onto someone years later. This is known as transference, and it can be positive or negative. For example, a manager or supervisor may remind a team member of a parental figure. The team member is likely to respond to the manager in the same way they responded to their parents.

A lack of self-awareness makes it difficult to recognize and respond to the impact of family dynamics. Jones writes that some people who are vaguely aware of their issues might consider them as personality traits they cannot change. Others might ignore their issues completely because they are afraid of looking weak.

Self-awareness offers insights into how our family influences our styles of communication and relationships. When we recognize the impact of our family dynamics on our behavior, we can work at changing traits we thought of as unchangeable. 

Our own self-awareness can also help us recognize when our team members and managers are acting out their own family dynamics. This can change and improve the way our teams and we perform.

You can't always change your family dynamics, as they were in the past. But you can work with professional support to understand how they affected you. From here, you can reframe how you understand and interpret them in the present.

You also can't change other family members and how they act. But you can alter family dynamics by addressing your own role in your close family and choosing different behaviors or responses. You have individual agency to move forward and make empowering decisions.

Examples of healthy family dynamics

Let’s take a closer look at some of the most common characteristics of healthy family dynamics:

Open communication

Each member of the family should be encouraged to speak for themselves, rather than there being one person whose word is the law. There should be open communication rather than one person acting as an interpreter or message carrier.

Emotional support

Emotional support is when everyone is allowed to communicate their anxieties, fears, and sorrows. Emotional support also enhances each family member’s ability to care for themselves.

For example, a child who is being bullied at school feels comfortable enough to tell their family what is happening. Or an individual who has just been laid off feels comfortable asking their partner for help in looking for a new job.

Shared responsibility and authority

Shared responsibility and authority mean one or both parents aren’t responsible for everything. They also are not the only ones involved in making decisions.

The hallmarks of shared power and responsibility include respect and inclusivity. It also means creating opportunities for children or other family members to lead. 

For example, parents ask their children for input when discussing the chores list or the destination for the next family vacation. Or both husband and wife share the responsibility of preparing the house for Christmas so as to avoid holiday stress.

Balance between work and family

A lack of balance between work and family can be a source of conflict within the family and at work. Greater balance between the two can diminish conflict and lead to healthy relationships in both areas. 

For example, one of the parents in a nuclear family might spend too much time dealing with work responsibilities. Their partner and children may take on more responsibilities at home. This could lead to tension between the parents and children.

Expressing interest in each other’s lives

By taking an interest in each other’s lives, family members make each other feel valued and included. 

For example, family members ask each other about their day when they eat dinner together, and they support each other’s important events. If a child is participating in a school play, all family members attend a show.

Providing support and discipline to children

This characteristic of healthy family dynamics sees parents taking an active role in the children’s lives. The key to this is to be loving, but also to provide a structure that supports the children’s well-being.

Parents should discipline children in a positive way by replacing punishments that frighten them with strategies that encourage better behavior. For example, instead of demanding them to brush their teeth, use encouraging language. “I know you don’t want to brush your teeth, but we can do it together.”

Shared respect

Allowing everyone to have a voice is an important part of family dynamics. In this family culture of mutual respect, constructive conflict is embraced. 

If conflict does arise, family members work to resolve it rather than punishing those whose opinions differ.

Creating a safe, loving environment

A safe and loving environment is one in which parents set good examples, stay positive and display affection. These family dynamics help members nurture relationships and build strong human connections.

How to step back from toxic family dynamics

Some family dynamics are toxic and can deeply affect your emotional and mental well-being. Ways to step back from dysfunctional family dynamics include:

1. Setting boundaries in your family relationships

Some behaviors are not acceptable within a family. You need to set boundaries that let family members know which behaviors are not acceptable. 

The key to setting boundaries is to be firm but kind. Listen to what your family members have to say, but seek to take care of yourself.

2. Expressing your concerns

Each family member should communicate their feelings about the family dynamics. They also should offer possible solutions. Everyone should be able to express their feelings without being criticized or interrupted by other members.

3. Practicing self-care

According to Laurel Daly, toxic family dynamics can place stress on you in various ways. Toxic family members may ignore your emotions, insult you, or gossip about you.

The negative effect on your self-esteem could lead to you forgetting about self-care. One element of a self-care plan is taking time out for yourself, so you can do things that make you feel good about yourself. Another element of self-care is to identify and deal with toxic family members.

4. Seeking professional help

Dealing with toxic family dynamics isn’t easy. You may experience feelings of guilt or shame. Or you may avoid dealing with confronting members of your family in an effort to keep the peace.

You might not know where to begin. Seeking professional help from a counselor or family therapist can provide you with the support you need to take those first steps. In this sense, seeking family therapy is a form of self-care.

5. Developing your emotional regulation skills

Toxic family dynamics can affect our emotional regulation skills. Reacting impulsively to emotions at work that mimic toxic family dynamics is one example. 

Emotional regulation involves regulating your actions and responses triggered by emotions. You can develop your skills through self-awareness, mindful breathing, and self-compassion.

6. Determining the root of toxic behavior

Identifying toxic behaviors and communicating your concerns about them isn’t enough. You should try to determine the root of those behaviors, too. Some toxic behaviors that affect family dynamics exist because no one sets any boundaries. 

Other behaviors may be a result of mental health concerns. Identifying the root of that behavior could lead to positive changes.

Understand your family dynamics

Positive or negative, your family dynamics and the way you grew up can affect your life in various ways. 

If your childhood experience had toxic family dynamics, your overall well-being could suffer. Your behavior, relationships, and work performance can be affected as those dynamics resurface. If your experience was one of positive dynamics, the influence on your adult life should be positive.

For many of us, our family dynamics include both positive and negative elements. Understanding past and present family dynamics is an essential part of personal transformation. 

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