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Attachment Styles & Their Role in Relationships
What are adult attachment styles and how do they affect intimate relationships?
John Bowlby’s work on attachment theory dates back to the 1950’s. Based on his theory, four adult attachment styles were identified: anxious / preoccupied, dismissive / avoidant, disorganized / fearful-avoidant, and secure. Attachment styles develop early in life and often remain stable over time. People with insecure attachment styles might have to put some intentional effort into resolving their attachment disturbances, in order to become securely attached.
It’s human nature to seek contact and relationships, to seek love, support, and comfort in others. In fact, according to social psychologist Roy Baumeister, the ‘need to belong’ is one of the main forces that drives individuals. From an evolutionary perspective, cultivating strong relationships and maintaining them has both survival and reproductive advantages. After all, most of us do ‘need to belong’ and do want closeness and intimacy in our lives. Yet, love and relationships are rarely as perfect and problem-free as we would like them to be.
Maybe you have never really thought through or analyzed your behavior in relationships. Still, you might have noticed repeating patterns in your love life. Have you wondered why you keep ending up in the same situation, even with different partners? Do you get too clingy or jealous? Or do you always seem to be more involved than your partner? Maybe you want to be with someone, but as soon as things get emotionally intimate, you back off?
What is attachment theory?
If you have noticed a pattern of unhealthy and emotionally challenging behaviors in your love life, you might benefit from digging deep and exploring the way you attach to people in intimate relationships. Here is when attachment theory comes in handy. Attachment theory has a long history and has been used as a basis for continuous research, which could be quite interesting to explore and dive into.
The first step is to get acquainted with the basics and understand the different attachment styles identified to this date.
First of all, what are adult attachment styles?
According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, one’s relationship with their parents during childhood has an overarching influence on their social (and intimate) relationships in the future. In other words, your early relationship with your caregivers sets the stage for how you will build relationships as an adult.
There are four adult attachment styles:
Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied)
Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant)
Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive)
Secure
Before getting into what characterizes the four groups, it might be useful to point out how attachment styles develop in children. The behavior of the primary caregivers (usually one’s parents) contributes to and forms the way a child perceives close relationships. The child is dependent on his or her caregivers and seeks comfort, soothing, and support from them. If the child’s physical and emotional needs are satisfied, he or she becomes securely attached.
This, however, requires that the caregivers offer a warm and caring environment and are attuned to the child’s needs, even when these needs are not clearly expressed. Misattunement on the side of the parent, on the other hand, is likely to lead to insecure attachment in their children.
Which attachment style do you have? Take our free quiz now to find out!
Each one of the four attachment styles has its typical traits and characteristics. Yet, it should be noted that a person does not necessarily fit 100% into a single category: you may not match ‘the profile’ exactly. The point of self-analysis is to identify unhealthy behaviors and understand what you might need to work on in order to improve your love life. So, let’s get to it!
How does each of the four attachment styles manifest in adults?
1. Anxious / Preoccupied
For adults with an anxious attachment style, the partner is often the ‘better half.’ The thought of living without the partner (or being alone in general) causes high levels of anxiety. This type of attachment is associated with a negative self-image, but also with a positive view of others.
The anxious/preoccupied type of person often seeks approval, support, and responsiveness from their partner. People with this attachment style value their relationships highly, but are often anxious and worried that their loved one is not as invested in the relationship as they are. A strong fear of abandonment is present, and safety is a priority. The attention, care, and responsiveness of the partner appears to be the ‘remedy’ for anxiety.
On the other hand, the absence of support and intimacy can lead the anxious/preoccupied type to become more clinging and demanding, preoccupied with the relationship, and desperate for love.
2. Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant
The disorganized type tends to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in their social bonds. For adults with this style of attachment, the partner and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear. Fearful-avoidant people do want intimacy and closeness, but at the same time, experience troubles trusting and depending on others. They do not regulate their emotions well and avoid strong emotional attachment, due to their fear of getting hurt.
3. Avoidant / Dismissive
The dismissing/avoidant type would often perceive themselves as ‘lone wolves’: strong, independent, and self-sufficient; not necessarily in terms of physical contact, but rather on an emotional level.
These people have high self-esteem and a positive view of themselves. The dismissing/avoidant type tend to believe that they don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete. They do not want to depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval in social bonds. Adults with this attachment style generally avoid emotional closeness and tend to hide/suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation.
4. Secure
The three attachment styles covered so far are insecure attachment styles. They are characterized by difficulties with cultivating and maintaining healthy relationships. In contrast, the secure attachment style implies that a person is comfortable expressing emotions openly. Adults with a secure attachment style can depend on their partners and in turn, let their partners rely on them. Relationships are based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness.
The secure attachment type thrive in their relationships, but also don’t fear being on their own. They do not depend on the responsiveness or approval of their partners, and tend to have a positive view of themselves and others.
Where do you stand?
Now that you are acquainted with the four adult attachment styles, you probably have an idea of which one you lean towards. It is completely normal to recognize features of different styles in your history of intimate relationships. Attachment styles can change with major life events, or even with different partners.
An insecurely attached individual could form a secure bond when they have a securely attached partner. A person with a secure attachment style could, in contrast, develop an unhealthy relationship behavior after experiencing trauma or losing a loved one. So, there is no need to fit any specific profile.
When to worry?
Chances are that many of us don’t fully belong to the securely attached group. Even if we think we have stable relationships, there might be patterns in our behavior that keep bothering us or keep making us stressed/unhappy. Unfortunately, some individuals will recognize themselves in one of the three insecure ‘profiles’ – the less healthy ones. In that case, it is preferable and highly recommended that they address the issue actively and if necessary, seek individual psychological help.
Strongly expressed insecure and unstable attachment styles can cause anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. But here’s the thing: this struggle is simply not necessary, as there are many ways to heal and recover from attachment disturbances.
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How to Change Your Self-Talk
Self-Talk
Many people are conscious of an inner voice that provides a running monologue on their lives throughout the day. This inner voice, or self-talk, combining conscious thoughts and unconscious beliefs and biases, provides a way for the brain to interpret and process daily experiences.
Our self-talk can be cheerful and supportive or negative and self-defeating. Self-talk can be beneficial when it’s positive, calming fears and bolstering confidence. Human nature, unfortunately, is prone to negative self-talk, including sweeping assertions like “I can’t do anything right” or “I’m a complete failure."
Why Self-Talk Matters
Some people believe they can credit their success to having a strong inner voice. In some cases, even a critical inner voice can push individuals to achieve by raising awareness of internal and external obstacles to achievement. Over time, though, that type of self-talk can take a toll on one’s confidence, fostering shame and limiting personal growth.
Is it OK to talk to yourself?
Many people use self-talk, either internal or aloud, to motivate themselves, and research shows that it can be beneficial, if done properly. In a study, people who used the first-person when talking to themselves before a task were less effective than those who spoke to themselves in the second- or third-person. Creating psychological distance in our self-talk, then, can help us calm down and face challenging moments.
How can I make my self-talk work for me?
You can make your self-talk work for you by closely monitoring it. It’s easy to allow self-talk to become critical or dwell in second-guessing. When this happens, research shows, we become less successful at finding creative solutions for problems—and others may come to doubt us as well. Correcting your self-talk when it’s unconstructive can keep it focused on boosting you.
What are the most useful kinds of self-talk?
When self-talk focuses on how we can thrive, and not just survive, it can provide essential motivation to achieve goals. Self-talk that helps us take a wider view of our lives and opportunities, rather than narrowly focusing on threats, and self-talk that acknowledges and directly addresses our doubts and fears, have been shown to promote happiness, well-being, and success.
How can I keep my self-talk positive?
Self-talk can veer toward the negative when we think back to past situations in which things did not go well—and when we ponder a future full of things that could go wrong. Research finds that when self-talk focuses on the present moment instead, and on seeing that moment and its opportunities as valuable, it more effectively helps us reach our goals.
The Danger of Negative Self-Talk
The problem with negative self-talk is that it typically does not reflect reality, and so it can convince people, wrongly, that they are not only not good enough, but that they can never get better, paralyzing them into self-absorption and inaction.
People with depression and anxiety frequently experience destructive and dysfunctional self-talk; the internal chatter they hear may be incessant and overly critical. Overwhelmed by the negativity, they can wallow in painful rumination, attacking themselves ceaselessly. In severe cases, this type of inner dialogue can be curtailed with professional treatment, such as cognitive behavioral therapy.
Why do we allow ourselves to be self-critical?
People who believe negative self-talk is valid often imagine that it is honest; that it limits their ego; that it prepares them for disappointment; or that they simply deserve it. Considering whether they think it would be useful or fair to speak to a good friend the same way can help them understand why they should stop justifying their self-criticism, and instead work to silence it.
How can self-talk affect your sexual confidence?
Negative self-talk can infiltrate every aspect of a person’s life, including sex. When people are critical of their looks, fitness, or sexual skill, it can lead to performance anxiety and encounters that are unsatisfying for both themselves and their partners. Cutting off self-criticism when it starts to interfere with a sexual experience, and replacing it with mindful or self-compassionate thoughts, can help restore sexual self-confidence.
How does negative self-talk affect body image?
The technique of reframing negative self-talk can be especially valuable when those thoughts focus on people's bodies or appearance. When such thoughts arise, one can remind themself, “Everyone feels like this sometimes, but how I feel about my appearance does not determine my worth,” for example, or “These are the legs that move me around in the world and the arms that hug the people I love.”
How to Change Your Self-Talk
Even harsh self-talk can be effectively challenged and sidelined. Becoming consciously aware of its role is the first step. Then, some simple and straightforward self-help techniques can be useful, such as rehearsing a more constructive inner voice with more positive tones, and learning to address oneself in the third person. Using one’s name instead of “I” during moments of inner dialogue, research has found, can create useful psychological distance from the emotional intensity of the self, enabling one to avoid rumination and move forward with greater perspective, calm, and confidence.
