You Don't Have to Control Your Thoughts...
Affirmations for Social Anxiety
5 Lessons I Learned About Resilience While Practicing Therapy
During my few years as a therapist I have witnessed patients overcome the unthinkable. I have had the privilege of guiding strong individuals to find their own ways to adapt and move forward after facing the most difficult challenges in their lives. During this experience I have become more and more fascinated with the human spirit and with the choice to be resilient. Resilience is a layered attribute that cannot be fully described in a short article. These are just my personal observations of the resilient individuals I have had the honor to work with.
This is what I have learned so far:
1. Resilience does not always come naturally.
Like most behaviors resiliency is learned. We often develop our understanding of resiliency early on by observing our closest caregivers. Resilient individuals often have parents who communicated that when life throws you curve balls you can lean on your supports, search for solutions and that everything is temporary. Fortunately, if your parents struggled to demonstrate resilient behavior you can still develop resiliency. It is never too late to begin to adjust your thinking patterns and behaviors. Some individuals whose parents did not model resiliency simply decide they want a life that is different from what they have witnessed and choose resiliency. While developing resilience later on in life may not be easy. It is possible.
2.Being resilient does not mean that you always have positive thoughts.
There is often a misconception that therapists want you to “think positive!”. While thinking positive is not necessarily harmful it can become ineffective in your healing. Resilient individuals acknowledge their present feelings rather than force positivity. Why? The only thing that is worse than feeling bad is feeling bad for feeling bad. We invalidate our own emotions by telling ourselves “I shouldn’t feel this way.” or “ I would be happier if I just thought more positively!” It is okay to feel emotions outside of happiness. In fact it is healthy to do so. All emotions make sense. While some emotions are unpleasant to feel we should pay attention to them and try to use them as tools to motivate necessary behaviors. When we feel hungry we eat, when we are thirsty we drink, when we are tired we sleep. Telling yourself you shouldn’t feel hungry will not change the fact that you may need food. So when we are sad, angry, or stressed why don’t we become solution focused instead? Ask “why am I feeling this way?” and “what can I do to feel better?” We have all been guilty of pushing back our present emotions and at times that may be a survival tactic. This does not mean that you are not resilient but rather not ready to feel and heal. Resilient individuals move forward after experiencing adversity while unapologetically feeling whatever emotions come naturally during the process.
3. Being Resilient means accepting your limitations.
Accepting our limitations is not the same as giving up. We are so often conditioned to believe “If I just try harder than I can overcome this.” While, in many cases this may be true it is okay to let go and accept a different reality than what we may have pictured for ourselves. Resilient individuals pour their energy into what is realistic and within their control. They may allow themselves to grieve what could have been but they do not choose to stay stuck trying to force what is not possible. Instead they adapt their vision of what they thought they might be spending their time doing and become solution focused.
4. Resilient people are self compassionate.
Behaviors are not people. Therefore, mistakes do not define people. Resilient individuals understand that they are not defined by their mistakes and accept themselves fully; This includes their flaws, past, limitations and of course their strengths. Resilient people have healthy boundaries, stand up for themselves and when they are asked to do something that may compromise their health and well being they say “no.” While this may be difficult at times for individuals to do. Resilient people still do it anyways.
5. Resilient people take accountability.
Taking accountability does not just mean accepting responsibility for your mistakes and taking actions for changed behaviors. Taking accountability means taking responsibility for all of your behaviors. Resilient people understand that they are in control of their life and do not blame others if their life does not look the way they would like it to. Early on in my therapy training a mentor explained that we have to understand that with some issues “what happened to you may not be your fault, but it is your problem.” In life there will be situations where we will be wronged and wounded. While it is not our fault that we have faced these experiences it is our responsibility to take the steps to heal. It is our responsibility to get up and keep going. At the end of the day we are the ones that have to live our lives and choosing to be ruled by the things that have harmed us will not only prolong our healing but it will not bring justice, peace or joy to our lives.
Trauma Responses
Neuroplasticity
10 things to remember if you have anxiety
Why “New Year, New You” is Damaging to Mental Health
There’s nothing wrong with aspiring to be your best self. We all have dreams, whether that means getting healthy, cutting out your nightly junk food habit, or writing a book. But pinning those aspirations to a specific date can set you up for failure — and mental health issues — in the future. Skip “New Year, new you,” and establish realistic goals for personal success.
Before we discuss just why “New Year, new you” damages your mental health, let’s get a few things straight. Self-improvement? Good. We should all aspire to be our best selves and seek out potential improvements. If you’re eating three pizzas a week, aiming to eat only one pizza (or even two!) is a good thing. And if you’ve always dreamt of being a wildlife photographer, setting a goal of getting into the woods once per week can help you fulfill said dream.
Deadlines — or artificial starting lines — make things tricky. Now, instead of shooting for continual, constant improvement, you’re running a race. Here’s why you should take things easy this January first.
You’re (almost certainly) bound to fail
Sorry to start on such a downer note. But let’s be clear: you’re not bound to fail because you’re unworthy or because your dreams are unrealistic. You’re bound to fail because failing is human. Maybe you’re hoping to lose weight. That’s great! But diving into the new year with a strict diet and a long list of no-no food is setting yourself up for disappointment.
When you place false boundaries on your self-improvement,like, “Come January 1 I’ll be a new person,” it sets unrealistic expectations. Yes, there are a few lucky people who wake up one day with a goal and instantly succeed. (Your Aunt Bertha who quit eating sugar cold-turkey? She’s one of them.) But, for the most part, there are no fresh starts in real life —just slow improvements that keep you on the road to success. But promising yourself “This year, I’ll be perfect” ensures you’ll be disappointed when you screw up, no matter how minor the screw-up is.
“False hope syndrome” is a fickle beast
Psychologists have long wondered why people continue to set resolutions —even when they often fail. The answer? “False hope syndrome,” which researchers describe as a “cycle of failure and renewed effort…characterized by unrealistic expectations about the likely speed, amount, ease, and consequences of self-change attempts.”
On one hand, false hope syndrome is a great example of the ways our brains can convince us to keep moving forward. If we collapsed after each setback, we’d never reach our goals. But it also causes us to leap into January with, well, false hope. Going from such aspirational highs to the real lows of reality can be a crushing blow, which is no good for your emotional health.
You’re more likely to go bold —not realistic
The best goals start with simple, achievable steps. Want to write a book? Great. Setting an achievable goal would include deciding how many words you could conceivably write in a day, or perhaps taking a writing class or finding friends who also enjoy fiction. An unrealistic goal might be “I’m going to write a book this year,” with no further elaboration on how you’re going to pull off that impressive achievement. (Or, for those NaNoWriMo overachievers, this month!)
Setting unrealistic goals is an excellent way to set yourself up for failure — and a set back your mental health. Instead, set SMART goals, literally: a goal that is Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-based. This clever acronym comes from the business world, but it’s no less applicable to everyday life-based goals.
You haven’t considered the appropriate lifestyle change
This is the year of my six-minute mile. I know it. Sure, I’m only running a 15-minute mile now, and by “now,” I mean “I last ran three years ago,” but how hard can it be?
Unfortunately, so many goals fail because you haven’t considered the bigger picture: lifestyle change. Running more is great, but you need to understand how increased activity levels fit into your actual day-to-day life. Are you ready to wake up and run every morning? Do you know the best food to refill your energy bar?
Before setting goals, make sure you understand exactly how to achieve them. Willy-nilly resolution-ing is a fantastic way to set yourself up for failure —which is no good for your mental health, especially if you’re repeating the same mistakes year after year.
But there’s hope: smart goal-setting not only will help you beat the annual “I-failed again blues,” but your new-and-improved lifestyle can also better your mental health. Just remember to think about the bigger picture —not just a fly-by-night aspirational and unachievable new you.
Trauma Recovery
Take care of yourself first
It's Okay to...
It’s Okay To Leave Toxic People Behind – Even If They’re Family
It’s hard to cut toxic people off but that doesn’t mean it’s not something you need to do. If someone is hurting you or bringing you down, they shouldn’t be allowed to stick around and keep doing that.
Toxic people come in all shapes and sizes. They can be friends, people you hardly know, and even family. They could have been in your life since the day you were born or only be someone you’ve met recently. That’s just how it goes.
When you find yourself dealing with someone toxic you need to know that you do not owe them anything, period. Sure, if they’re your mother or father they may try to act as if they’re entitled to control you just because they brought you into this world but if you’re an adult, they can’t force you into sticking around. If moving on is what’s best for you, do it.
Toxic people tend to target people who do not deserve the treatment they get. They find the kindest and most caring people to pull apart and it’s wrong, it’s so wrong. While not all toxic people know they are toxic, you shouldn’t let any of them remain in your life without change. Once they prove to you that they’re not willing to make a difference in their lives and yours cutting them off is imperative.
You deserve respect and kindness. The things you give to others they should be willing to give back and if not, then all you’re doing by keeping them around is wasting your time. These people will destroy you if you allow them to and you shouldn’t allow them to. You are more powerful than you realize and once you find that power, you can do so much.
While you might be afraid because you’ve been stuck dealing with this person for so long, you can do it. You can break free and let yourself grow. You need to make changes in your life and you can’t do that with toxic people trying to control you. The more in charge you become of your present and your future the more empowered you will find yourself.
Please take these words to heart. You are not the one in the wrong here. You’re supposed to be living your life not someone else’s. This world was made for you to explore, go do that.
It is going to be hard and it is going to suck for a long while but it will be worth it in the end. You can do this and you deserve to be happy. Stop letting other people tell you what to do and who to be. Find yourself and really get back out there in any way you see fit. Life is too short to let someone else live theirs through you.
A Holiday Reminder :)
Mental Health During the Holidays: Five Tips to Ease the Struggle
The holiday season is often a time of year for social activities, holiday shopping, and quality time with loved ones. This year, however, COVID-19 threatens to make those activities more difficult.
Keeping up with activities, staying positive and — especially in 2020 — safely socializing can be overwhelming.
In addition, 40% of U.S. adults face a mental health or substance use challenge, making a complicated holiday season even more difficult time for many people. Regardless of whether you are living with a mental health challenge or know someone who is, you can take steps to prepare for the holidays and prioritize your mental health in the coming weeks.
Use these tips to get started:
Manage your expectations. Remember that this year is different and may not feel like the holiday season we are used to. Whether you are sharing a meal over Zoom or sending well wishes to family across the country, managing your expectations for yourself and others will help you stay positive. Give yourself and those around you some grace – none of us have been through a time like this before, and we’re all trying to balance staying safe with feeling “normal.”
Pull back when you need to. If, at any point, you feel overwhelmed or anxious, know that it’s perfectly fine to take a step back. Healthy boundaries are necessary for your mental health. Practicing self-care can also help soothe feelings of anxiety or stress. Take a walk, watch a funny movie, or meditate.
Reach out to loved ones. In times like this, living in a digital age can feel like a saving grace. Stay connected with your loved ones via text, social media, video or phone. Make yourself available for those you cannot see in person and offer your support to loved ones who may be struggling — a simple text or email can make a difference.
Monitor your moods. The “holiday blues” are real, so it is important to stay in tune with how you’re feeling. It can be easy to put others before yourself during the holiday season but remember that how you’re feeling matters too. Practicing mindfulness, journaling, or even rating how you feel every day can help you better understand your emotions. Pay attention to what makes you happy and incorporate it into your daily life. And remember: It’s OK to not be OK, and you’re not alone.
Ask for help. If the holidays become more than you can handle, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Talk to a loved one, trusted peer, or even your primary care physician about how you’re feeling. If you notice a family member or loved one having a difficult time, encourage them to seek help too.
Even though this year’s holiday season may not look like it has in the past, you can still make it special and comfortable by prioritizing your mental health and well-being. Take it one day at a time and #BetheDifference for yourself.
Have a wonderful holiday season this year with Mental Health First Aid. Happy Holidays!
How to Deal with Uncertainty
Anxiety Affirmations
How to Meditate
Pandemic Pet Therapy: What's So Special About A Critter Friend?
Karen McCullough never wanted a dog. "It would have tied me down, and I had a great, very busy life," she says.
Her career as a keynote speaker at conferences has taken her across the U.S., Canada and Mexico. "My job is to get everybody engaged, excited and ready to network," she says.
McCullough loved the travel — "cool hotels and not worrying about having anything at home," she says. "I don't even have any live plants in the house." As she sailed into 2020, she expected her best year yet.
Then "BOOM" — everything stopped, including conventions and conferences. The pandemic "took my life away," she says.
Living alone in Houston, she started feeling the stress — anxious and worried about money. On top of that, she couldn't see her three grandkids who live nearby. "I'm such an extrovert and it's just been crazy and hard."
The surprising solution, for McCullough and many other Americans in 2020, was often furry, with four feet: a pet dog or cat.
First, her son and his wife adopted a puppy. McCullough decided to do the same, quietly hoping that if she got a puppy, the grandkids "would want to come and visit me in the front yard." On Labor Day, 8-week-old Rosie, a Wheaten terrier, arrived.
Rosie opened a new world to McCullough — within just a few blocks. Strangers became new friends. "I know all my neighbors now," she says. "We have a routine and she gets me out there; we walk three times a day!"
The loneliness that had started to sink McCullough as the pandemic wore on is gone. "Rosie has been like this magnet; she's attracting me to people and it's good."
And there's some science to back up McCullough's feelings. Research from Australia finds the "pet factor" does bring people together in helpful ways: Pet owners are more likely to get to know people, form friendships and get the social support humans need.
Psychologist Lori Kogan, a professor of veterinary medicine at Colorado State University and chair of the Human-Animal Interaction Section of the American Psychological Association, has been cataloging stories like McCullough's during the pandemic.
Kogan and colleagues from Washington State University, University of San Francisco and Palo Alto University did two anonymous online surveys via social media to current pet owners — one regarding cats and another asking about dogs. The surveys asked participants to share their thoughts, experiences and concerns amid the pandemic.
They found a significant number of people reported feeling they have less social support from friends and family now than before COVID-19 spread across the U.S. For many, their pets have played a critical role in helping reduce feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation and loneliness in these tough months.
Pets, Kogan says, are "a respite from the difficulties of life" and provide their human companions "an outlet to give." And while relationships with friends and family can be fraught, she says, "relationships with animals are simple."
Here are more stories of pet owners discovering animal companions can be the unsung therapists of these difficult times:
Get up and get moving: Dr. Gregory Brown and Kai
Dr. Gregory Brown is a psychiatrist in Austin, Texas, and a spokesperson for the American Psychiatric Association. Brown says he has been seeing an increase in anxiety, insomnia and depression among patients he has counseled in the past six months. "People are definitely dealing with economic stressors, a hard time with money, and with just being idle" — not getting out of the house much.
A dog "nudging at your foot or barking because they want to go for a walk" can be a real motivation every day to get out and get moving, he says. And that's good emotionally as well as physically. "We know physical activity can help reduce depression."
Though Brown says he's a fairly active guy, he found the reduced structure of these pandemic days meant he was getting to bed a bit later, getting up a bit later and sometimes letting his exercise schedule slide.
Then, about a month ago, he and his wife decided to adopt a 10-month old golden retriever/lab mix named Kai. Now, every day starts with her wake-up bark around 6:30 a.m., returning some sense of structure to their lives.
And Brown says that he spends at least some time outside daily, jogging and walking and that helps make the days seem "a bit more normal."
"She's just been a joy to be around when she's not busy eating up my wife's favorite pair of shoes," he says.
Breaking through the isolation: Karol Kullberg and Molly
As a psychiatric social worker in Rockville, Md., Karol Kullberg has spent most of her work life in a small room, listening to patients face to face — work she finds rewarding and fulfilling, she says. When the pandemic hit, she was able to work from home — a blessing in some ways, but not others. Offering therapy online, via telehealth appointments, has been convenient, Kulberg says, but she also finds it isolating and somewhat alienating.
"It's intensely stressful — I think for everyone," she says. "Certainly for patients as well as therapists, who weren't particularly technologically adept or even comfortable using Zoom or other platforms."
Reading patients' facial expressions and body language can be more difficult she says, and without colleagues to talk to in between therapeutic sessions, "you're very aware that you are suddenly working in a vacuum." Kullberg doesn't say she's lonely. She says it's more like being "profoundly alone."
By the end of March when it became clear that staying at home would be the norm for quite a while, she decided to adopt a dog.
Enter Molly, a 5-year-old terrier mix who "came right into my home, was perfectly well-behaved, perfectly housebroken, and even welcomed my cat — who didn't return the favor."
For Kullberg, Molly was "like getting something you didn't know you missed; you forgot how wonderful it was to have something you didn't notice until all of a sudden it's there again."
She finds Molly an extremely comforting presence, "like having somebody's arm around your shoulder without having to say anything. Sort of like a dance partner you don't have to teach; they just figure it out."
Today, Kullberg says she no longer feels alone. "I get up in the morning and Molly curls up in her bed and we go to work."
A source of joy amid grief: Peggy Pacy & Emmet
"My glorious chow chow mix died at the end of January and I was heartbroken" says Peggy Pacy, who initially planned to let some time pass before getting another dog. But, "a heart needs to love," she says, "and I started looking."
At the end of February she adopted a large and fluffy Great Pyrenees mix — she named him Emmet. It was just before lockdown in Washington, D.C., where Pacy lives and works as an independent producer of commercials. Emmet arrived "just in time" says Pacy, who lives alone. "No question, it's very easy to go down the dark path in the world we're in today."
Early on in the pandemic, the first three minutes of every morning would start with a "mild panic" she says. But then a "giant white paw lands on my shoulder and I wonder if it is possible to literally feel serotonin," she says, referring to one of the neurotransmitters thought to help stabilize mood.
Emmet spends much of his time chasing flies, unearthing clothing Pacy had forgotten she owned, and making friends with neighborhood kids — just watching him is diverting, she says. "All day long the kids drop by and yell for Emmet."
Even in times of despair, Emmet makes a difference. "I'm standing in my front hall, lost in thought ... wondering if I will ever work again, if my small business loan will be approved, if I will have to sell my house. And then, gazing in the direction of my couch, Emmet decides that a long slow back flip to the floor is in order." His antics pierce the grief and remind her to stay in the moment, she says — " be grateful for what I have."
Pacy has a Post-it on her door that says: "I have health insurance; my cabinets are full of food; I have a home; I have Emmet. This makes me happy."
A new focus to replace anxiety: Devin Green and Taco
Devin Green, a small business consultant and life coach, who lives in Portland, Maine, started looking for a dog to adopt in May. After many false starts, a close friend helped her find the dog of her dreams, a miniature goldendoodle (a cross between a golden retriever and a small poodle).
Taco has "changed my life in ways I never expected," says Green. As he grows, his puppy fur is getting replaced by adult dog fur which can get matted. So Green brushes him nightly, giving — and recieving — needed physical touch. "If I'm having a bad day, he's very warm and snuggly."
She sometimes struggles with anxiety, she says, and soothing the pup's needs helped her get beyond that. "I'm consumed with him more than the worries in my mind," she says. "My brain space is now taken up by something far more productive than it used to be."
Green says she used to panic a little if she didn't have plans for the day, but Taco has introduced her to the neighborhood and helped her feel more a part of the community. Every morning, they walk to the nearby fire station — a big loop, Green says. "The fire station is his favorite place."
Taco runs inside and "loves on all the firefighters and they love him back. I had never even spoken to any of them before but now we're all buddies."
Choosing the right pet for you: advice from the "falcon whisperer"
As executive director of the Abu Dhabi Falcon Hospital in the United Arab Emirates, veterinarian Dr. Margit Gabriele Muller is known as her nation's "falcon whisperer." But her love for animals is thoroughly inclusive. She is the author of a new book, Your Pet, Your Pill: 101 Inspirational Stories About How Pets Can Lead You to a Happy, Healthy and Successful Life.
A falcon wouldn't be the right choice for everyone, Muller notes. "Falcons are good for people who can be extremely dedicated, adhere to strict time schedules and have a great understanding of the falcons' special needs and requirements," she says, noting that dogs, too demand the right kind of human companion.
"It's of utmost importance to find the right pet according to the person's personality, as well as personal circumstances and environment," she says. "This means if you don't have much time and you live in a very small apartment, a dog is not suitable for your lifestyle, and a cat, bird, rabbit or fish would be better for you."
All pets — dogs, cats, fish, rabbits, birds, snakes and, yes, falcons — can help people overcome numerous emotional and physical challenges, Muller says. And certainly during the global pandemic, when people are feeling locked down, isolated and lacking in human connection, pets can make a world of difference.
Just playing with a pet for five minutes or petting the animal for five minutes can reduce blood pressure and increase hormones associated with contentment research suggests.
Oxytocin, sometimes called the "bonding hormone" or "cuddle hormone," is often released with a gentle touch. And it's not just humans who benefit from increased oxytocin levels — dogs do too.
When you develop a bond with an animal companion, Muller says, you often get someone who "loves you unconditionally, who is there for you 24 hours a day, who doesn't mind how you look today," she says. "They are just there to love you and this brings a tremendous benefit for the entire family."
Withdrawn kids may particularly benefit. One family, she says, told her their son was always on the computer or iPad before they brought home a pet. Now he doesn't stop talking — about the pet.
"Once you plant that seed in children and they love animals and learn how to care for them, they learn responsibility," she says — skills that will prove incredibly valuable as they grow up.
