That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief

Some of the HBR edit staff met virtually the other day — a screen full of faces in a scene becoming more common everywhere. We talked about the content we’re commissioning in this harrowing time of a pandemic and how we can help people. But we also talked about how we were feeling. One colleague mentioned that what she felt was grief. Heads nodded in all the panes.

If we can name it, perhaps we can manage it. We turned to David Kessler for ideas on how to do that. Kessler is the world’s foremost expert on grief. He co-wrote with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss. His new book adds another stage to the process, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Kessler also has worked for a decade in a three-hospital system in Los Angeles. He served on their biohazard’s team. His volunteer work includes being an LAPD Specialist Reserve for traumatic events as well as having served on the Red Cross’s disaster services team. He is the founder of www.grief.com which has over 5 million visits yearly from 167 countries.

Kessler shared his thoughts on why it’s important to acknowledge the grief you may be feeling, how to manage it, and how he believes we will find meaning in it. The conversation is lightly edited for clarity.

HBR: People are feeling any number of things right now. Is it right to call some of what they’re feeling grief?

Kessler: Yes, and we’re feeling a number of different griefs. We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn’t feel that way and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.

You said we’re feeling more than one kind of grief?

Yes, we’re also feeling anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is that feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain. Usually it centers on death. We feel it when someone gets a dire diagnosis or when we have the normal thought that we’ll lose a parent someday. Anticipatory grief is also more broadly imagined futures. There is a storm coming. There’s something bad out there. With a virus, this kind of grief is so confusing for people. Our primitive mind knows something bad is happening, but you can’t see it. This breaks our sense of safety. We’re feeling that loss of safety. I don’t think we’ve collectively lost our sense of general safety like this. Individually or as smaller groups, people have felt this, but all together this is new. We are grieving on a micro and a macro level.

What can individuals do to manage this all this grief?

Understanding the stages of grief is a start. But whenever I talk about the stages of grief, I have to remind people that the stages aren’t linear and may not happen in this order. It’s not a map but it provides some scaffolding for this unknown world. There’s denial, which we say a lot of early on: This virus won’t affect us. There’s anger: You’re making me stay home and taking away my activities. There’s bargaining: Okay, if I social distance for two weeks everything will be better, right? There’s sadness: I don’t know when this will end. And finally there’s Acceptance. This is happening; I have to figure out how to proceed.

Acceptance, as you might imagine, is where the power lies. We find control in acceptance. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually.

When we’re feeling grief there’s that physical pain. And the racing mind. Are there techniques to deal with that to make it less intense.Let’s go back to anticipatory grief. Unhealthy anticipatory grief is really anxiety, and that’s the feeling you’re talking about. Our mind begins to show us images. My parents getting sick. We see the worst scenarios. That’s our minds being protective. Our goal is not to ignore those images or to try to make them go away—you mind won’t let you do that and it can be painful to try and force it. The goal is to find balance in the things you’re thinking. If you feel the worst image taking shape, make yourself think of the best image. We all get a little sick and the world continues. Not everyone I love dies. Maybe no one does because we’re all taking the right steps. Neither scenario should be ignored but neither should dominate either.

Anticipatory grief is the mind going to the future and imagining the worst. To calm yourself, you want to come into the present. This will be familiar advice to anyone who has meditated or practiced mindfulness but people are always surprised at how prosaic this can be. You can name five things in the room. There’s a computer, a chair, a picture of the dog, an old rug and a coffee mug. It’s that simple. Breathe. Realize that in the present moment, nothing you’ve anticipated has happened. In this moment, you’re okay. You have food. You are not sick. Use your senses and think about what they feel. The desk is hard. The blanket is soft. I can feel the breath coming into my nose. This really will work to dampen some of that pain.

You can also think about how to let go of what you can’t control. What your neighbor is doing is out of your control. What is in your control is staying six feet away from them and washing your hands. Focus on that.

Finally, it’s a good time to stock up on compassion. Everyone will have different levels of fear and grief and it manifests in different ways. A coworker got very snippy with me the other day and I thought, That’s not like this person; that’s how they’re dealing with this. I’m seeing their fear and anxiety. So be patient. Think about who someone usually is and not who they seem to be in this moment.

One particularly troubling aspect of this pandemic is the open-endedness of it.

This is a temporary state. It helps to say it. I worked for 10 years in the hospital system. I’ve been trained for situations like this. I’ve also studied the Spanish Flu. The precautions we’re taking are the right ones. History tells us that. This is survivable. We will survive. This is a time to overprotect but not overreact.

And, I believe we will find meaning in it. I’ve been honored the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ family has given me permission to add a sixth stage to grief: Meaning. I had talked to Elisabeth quite a bit about what came after acceptance. I did not want to stop at acceptance when I experienced some personal grief. I wanted meaning in those darkest hours. And I do believe we find light in those times. Even now people are realizing they can connect through technology. They are not as remote as they thought. They are realizing their phones have phones and having long conversations. They’re appreciating walks. I believe we will continue to find meaning now and when this is over.

What do you say to someone who’s read all this and is still feeling overwhelmed with grief?

Keep trying. There is something powerful about naming this as grief. It helps us feel what’s inside of us. So many have told me in the past week, “I’m telling my coworkers I’m having a hard time,” or “I cried last night.” When you name it, you feel it and it moves through you. Emotions need motion. It’s important we acknowledge what we go through. One unfortunate byproduct of the self-help movement is we’re the first generation to have feelings about our feelings. We tell ourselves things like, “I feel sad but I shouldn’t feel that other people have it worse.” We can—we should—stop at the first feeling, I feel sad. Let me go for five minutes to feel sad.” Your work is to feel your sadness and fear and anger whether or not someone else is feeling something. Fighting it doesn’t help because your body is producing the feeling. If we allow the feelings to happen, they’ll happen in an orderly way, and it empowers us. Then we’re not victims.

In an orderly way?

Yes. Sometimes we try not to feel what we’re feeling because we have this image of a “gang of feelings.” If I feel said and let that in it’ll never go away. The gang of bad feelings will overrun me. The truth is a feeling move through us. We feel it and it goes and then we go to the next feeling. There’s no gang out to get us. It’s absurd to think we shouldn’t feel grief right now. Let yourself feel the grief and keep going.

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Parenting While Depressed: Real Mothers Share How They Cope

Earlier this week, a Twitter user and entrepreneur took to the social networking platform to ask how parents are managing to raise children while depressed. The now-viral tweet has since garnered more than 30,000 likes and 4,000 comments. Within the comments, thousands of parents, primarily Black mothers, share how they’re managing to parent their kids while suffering from the crippling mood disorder. Statistics show that Black women experience depression at higher rates when compared to the general population, which is why this conversation is particularly important. Here are some of the highlights:

Seek the help of a therapist

For some, the only way to effectively parent while depressed is to enlist the help of a therapist. Therapists can offer medication and coping strategies to get through depressive episodes.

Plan ahead

Some parents take advantage of their high moments in order to plan for their lows. One mother explained that she cooks and freezes extra meals for rainy days. She also preps laundry and cleans as much as possible when she’s feeling good.

Be transparent

Instead of hiding their condition, some parents cope by having age-appropriate conversations with their kids about what’s going on. This helps to keep the children from blaming themselves for mommy’s sadness.

Go through the motions

For some parents, parenting while depressed simply means going through the motions and operating in survival mode to take care of the kids. Unfortunately, while they’re doing what they have to do, they’re suffering tremendously on the inside.

Self-reflection

Self-awareness and honest self-reflection are key for some parents who struggle with depression. Being in tune helps to ensure that all needs are being met and that nothing slips through the cracks.

Just push through

For some, parenting through depression is just a matter of fighting through the overwhelming feelings of sadness to ensure that their children are happy, loved, and well cared for.

Keep the kids distracted

One parent keeps her depression from affecting her children by keeping them active and busy with extracurricular activities.

Know your limitations

Parenting while depressed means that sometimes, you’ll have to be okay with doing the bare minimum of just ensuring that the basic needs of the children are being met.

Hide and cry

Some parents work to put on a brave face for their children and then have their moments behind closed doors.

Take breaks

It’s also important for parents to take breaks as needed. Sometimes an hour or two away from the kids can help parents to get through difficult days.

Take medication

For others, parenting while depressed is best navigated by going on antidepressant medication to help regulate the condition.

Dog-walking group to help men talk about depression

Rob Osman from Bristol in the United Kingdom has dealt with depression and anxiety for his entire life. But throughout the difficult times, there was always one thing that helped - walking his dog. 

Realizing the huge benefits that animals and getting out into nature can bring, Osman decided to set up Dudes & Dogs to help other men going through the same thing. Their goal? "To get men out in the fresh air together for a walk and talk."

On the group's website, Osman explains his own battle with depression and how walking his dog helped. 

"I think I can consider myself one of the lucky ones in life. I had a good upbringing, fit and healthy, got an amazing family. I guess I fit into the ‘big jolly guy’ category. I hope I do, that’s nice. But yet, I’ve suffered a bit too. I broke my back which put paid to my hopes of playing at a decent level of cricket. I then had to have an operation a few years later when I thought everything was getting better and was reduced to living in my sisters windowless basement smoking far too much weed to care."

"But yet, I’ve suffered a bit too. I broke my back which put paid to my hopes of playing at a decent level of cricket. I then had to have an operation a few years later when I thought everything was getting better and was reduced to living in my sisters windowless basement smoking far too much weed to care." 

"I lost my dad in my 20’s. Not that unusual, but still something that can have a massive effect on my mood. The bit that very few know about; I’ve suffered with social anxiety since the age of about 10. When I was younger it manifested in basically throwing my guts up in pretty much any social situation, especially where girls were involved."

Osman goes on to explain how getting a dog helped with his mood, writing: "Picture the scene. It’s one of those horrible wet and windy crappy cold days that we do so well in the UK. There’s no way in hell I want to go out in this, especially not the way I’m feeling."

"But there’s the dog, she doesn’t care that I feel like crap today. She doesn’t care that the weather is rubbish, she just wants to get out and play. With me. Really? Yes really. And you know what, it’s been the best therapy I’ve ever had."

He went on to explain why he set up Dudes and Dogs, writing: "I’ve always known I’ve wanted to do something to help people, just never quite sure what. I started to get a good idea of what it was and decided the place to start was a psychology and counselling degree with the Open University." 

"In the meantime I’ve been looking to see where else I could help, through talk groups and charities, but I also started thinking about what had helped me hugely, and that was the fresh air and getting out with my dog, the good it does me is for another time."

"But when I was reaching out to others, part of my message always said, come on a dog walk and it reaffirmed what I already knew. This was a way I could help people. By giving them what I had. That time out, that time away, no signal, no noise but nature, just time." 

Dudes & Dogs seems to be working, with plenty of men taking Osman up on his offer. 

"The whole concept of dudes & dogs is fantastic," one regular wrote. "I am having a pretty crap time of it lately and meeting Rob and the dudes is gonna be a massive help and I must admit to a couple of blossoming bromances which is awesome. Can’t recommend this highly enough."

While another added: "I joined the trial walk on Saturday morning and if the trial is anything to go by, I can confirm that a Dudes & Dogs Walk takes you to good places, both physically and mentally."

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How To Give Advice: Less Fixing, More Listening

I've been the relationship advice columnist at The Boston Globe for more than a decade. That means I've answered thousands of letters from the lovelorn.

But when friends and family ask for advice, it's more complicated. It can be fraught — sometimes I know too much and it can be difficult to remain objective.

Also, if I don't get it right, I could hurt someone I love. 

I think it works that way for a lot of us. Helping a stranger can be easier than advising someone we've known forever.

That's why I teamed up with Life Kit to figure out some best practices. Turns out, good advice is often about loosening the body, opening the mind and, more often than not, keeping your mouth shut.

Listen to Life Kit

This story is adapted from an episode of Life Kit, NPR's podcast with tools to help you get it together. Listen to the episode at the top of the page, or find it here.

1. Body language matters.

Jaime Roberts has been one of my go-to experts for advice for decades. She listened to me when we were kids in Maryland. Now in her 40s, she's a high school guidance counselor — so she's still advising young people.

I asked Roberts why she's so good at it, and she was quick to mention her body language. She says you should stay open if you can. She likes to face someone without barriers. She keeps her hands free (she's not multitasking with a phone). She keeps her face neutral and tries to avoid looks of shock or judgement.

"If you look like you're tense or you're distracted, the person might not open up to you as much as you would want them to," she says.

2. You don't have to fix the problem.

Giving advice isn't the same as giving someone an order. That's something Khalid Latif learned on the job. He's the executive director and chaplain for the Islamic Center at New York University, which means counseling and advising are big parts of his job.

People who ask "What should I do?" often want to process a problem themselves. You're giving good advice if you can help them get there on their own.

"A lot of it is to unload things that they have going on inside," Latif says. "And you creating a space where they can self express freely."

Part of the trick with this is remembering that it's not about you. A friend's priorities might not match your own, but that doesn't mean they're wrong. Don't assume their choices are any kind of statement about your own values and decisions.

"Empathy ... I would say necessitates a complete suspension of the ego, where anything that's feeding your feeling, it gets put to the side," Latif says.

Easy, right? Just remember that listening goes a long way.

LIFE KIT 

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3. Know when the questions are more than you can handle.

Latif also says he knows when to refer out. He has mental health professionals on staff who can help people with problems outside of his expertise. 

Often, I tell letter writers — and friends and family — that counseling can be wonderful, and that there's no shame in asking for it when bad feelings persist. 

I tend to recommend seeking help from a professional when someone seeking advice can't get to a solution on their own.

4. Pay attention to patterns.

The thing with giving advice is that when we're doing it for people we love, we might hear the same problem over and over again. When you've known someone for years, you're a witness to their patterns and repeated mistakes.

Author and therapist Sherry Amatenstein says there's a way to be thoughtful about this cycle. Instead of saying, "Ugh, you've said this 15,000 times," you might ask a friend how their new experiences relate to their old ones.

"I'm gonna say something like, 'You know, this kind of reminds me a bit of that time when ... ' " she said.

You can also ask questions. "What do you think that means?" or "What has worked for you before?" can be a good ones when you're trying to get someone to consider their own cycle.

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5. Sometimes you can't give advice right now.

John Paul Brammer writes ¡Hola Papi!, an advice column that often focuses on the LGBTQ community. As Papi, Brammer is funny and empathetic. He says it helps that he writes advice when he's in the right space to do it. 

It should work that way in real life, too, he said. Texts and FaceTime might be immediate, but your advice doesn't have to be. You can politely explain to someone that you want to give them your full attention when you're ready. 

"Sometimes when you try to force yourself to be there for someone that you just can't be there for in the moment, you can do more harm than good," Brammer says.

6. You can be a great sounding board without having lived it.

Brammer also says we're bound to hear about problems we haven't experienced firsthand. But that doesn't mean we can't be helpful. That's why advice is all about listening, really. 

If we go into it knowing we don't have answers, if we behave like sounding boards, we can be thoughtful for just about anyone. That's why Brammer says giving advice should feel like a conversation. That's when it works best — when you find yourself saying, "Tell me more."

"There are no points to be won," he said. "You're both just human beings sort of collaborating on the project of being a person and seeing it that way for all its messiness."

Life Kit recommends:

• The Love Letters column in The Boston Globe takes on all kinds of relationship problems. 

• The Love Letters podcast features people telling their real-life relationship stories. (Season 3 attempts to answer the question: How do you know?)

• John Paul Brammer's column ¡Hola Papi! can be found here.

Meredith Goldstein is the Love Letters advice columnist for The Boston Globe and hosts the Love Letters podcast. She is also the author of Can't Help Myself: Lessons and Confessions From a Modern Advice Columnist and the young adult novel Chemistry Lessons.

Stressed Teens Group Starting April 1, 2020

Let’s face it: High school sucks. Is your high schooler struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, or balancing their many priorities? Change Counseling will be offering an upbeat, supportive group for teens navigating pre-college/workforce challenges beginning April 1, 2020 in our Mansfield location. Group will run bi-weekly in the evening. Contact us here now to learn more and get signed up!

Mental Health is Invisible

Feeling Anxious? Here's a Quick Tool To Center Your Soul

Have you ever noticed how tough it is to be present? We spend so much time planning and worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. 

"We're in a trance of thinking. We're time traveling," says Tara Brach, a world-renowned psychologist and mindfulness teacher. "We're in the future, we're in the past."

And all this ruminating gets in the way of enjoying life — we can miss out on the good stuff. 

If you reflect on your life, Brach asks, how often can you sense that the fear of failing or not being good enough "was in some way dampening or contracting or pulling you away from real intimacy or spontaneity or enjoying a sunset?" 

Life Kit host Allison Aubrey spoke with Brach about her latest book, Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN. The book outlines the mindfulness tool, RAIN, an acronym for a four-step process: recognize, allow, investigate and nurture.

What is mindfulness at its core. Can you describe mindfulness in a sentence or two?

Mindfulness is paying attention to what's happening in the present moment without judgment.

What is the purpose? What is the benefit of paying attention to the present moment?

We step out of our thoughts about the past and the future, and we actually start occupying a space of presence that is bigger than the particular emotions or thoughts that are going on. 

Mindfulness gives us more choice as to how we want to experience things, what we want to say, what we want to do. So instead of reacting, we can actually respond from more intelligence, more kindness. It actually lets us inhabit our best selves.

The "R" and the "A" in RAIN stand for Recognize and Allow — can you explain that? 

So "recognize" comes when we realize on some level we're stuck. We're having a hard time. All we're doing with "recognize" is sensing whatever feeling is predominant in that moment. And it might be we simply say 'upset' or 'confused' or 'angry' or 'hurt'.

With "allow" you actually are pausing, saying 'it's OK.' Let's just let this be for a few moments. And that's the pause. That's the space we're creating that gives you the power and the freedom.

So the next step is "I" for investigate. What are some questions that you can ask to help yourself investigate?

Ask yourself 'what really wants my attention?' Ask what wants your attention right now and look into the body. Feel the throat, the chest, the belly. Another really good question is 'what am I believing right now?' Because I find for myself when I'm in a bad mood, usually I'm believing that in some way I fell short. I'm failing in some way. 

And if I can identify it consciously, it doesn't affect me as much. The single most valuable finale with investigating is to ask the part of you that feels most vulnerable: 'so what do you need?' Is it love? Acceptance? Forgiveness? Feeling accompanied? Feeling embraced? Feeling safe?

The last letter in RAIN is "N," which stands for nurture. Explain this one. 

This step is all about learning to be kind to yourself and offering yourself what is needed. Often, to fight through the feelings of shame or anxiety, we have to work at this. The way I often do it is I put my hand on my heart and I'll say, "it's okay sweetheart." Or you might just say to yourself, "I love you," or, "It's okay, I'm here. I'm not leaving." 

Or, we can imagine that affirmation coming from someone else — a loved one, a spiritual figure, even a pet. The source doesn't matter as long as it's nurturing. 

After RAIN, we can sense a shift in how we feel. We sense the quality of presence that's opened up from where we started to now. 

For those of us not in the habit of nurturing ourselves, this can be a challenging step in the process. For instance, if I over-react to a situation, I later laugh at my lack of perspective. I realize that it wasn't a big deal, and I feel so much lighter when I'm able to laugh it off. Is this a form of nurturing? 

Nurturing is any way that you create a larger, lighter, kinder space. And humor is fantastic. Often if I can laugh, I know the tangle is no longer dominating me. 

And that's the thing with RAIN, it doesn't get rid of the waves of experience. It makes you more ocean-like. You have more perspective, more wisdom. Wisdom brings on humor. Wisdom brings on kindness. In other words, you're not suffering. What you're feeling is not pleasant, but you're not suffering.

So many of us are taught from a young age to be ambitious and aim high. How can we practice mindfulness and still achieve our goals?

What's interesting is that people have a fear that if they're mindful and present, they'll lose their motivation, that they won't be able to be so successful in the ways you're describing. But what I found is that anxiety actually leads to more mistakes, less empathy, less emotional intelligence and actually less effectiveness.

Where do you see this?

We train people in corporations and medical schools and they actually find mindfulness increases competency. Mindfulness doesn't remove motivation. It just allows us to be more centered and respond from our natural intelligence. Fear doesn't make us more intelligent.

Does mindfulness become easier the more you practice it?

Whatever you practice gets stronger. If you practice judging yourself every day, that gets stronger. If you practice recognizing, allowing, investigating, nurturing, that gets stronger and also quicker. 

The real gift is that we start trusting our goodness. We start trusting the love and the awareness. Not only that, we start looking at each other and seeing that too. If we can trust the goodness, then we can help to bring it out in ourselves and each other.

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Here’s how exercise reduces anxiety and makes you feel more connected

We all know exercise makes your body healthier and helps you live longer. A growing body of research shows exercise is also linked to a wide range of mood-based and social benefits.

People who are physically active are happier and more satisfied with their lives. They have a stronger sense of purpose, feel more gratitude, are more connected to their communities, and are less likely to be lonely or anxious.

Why? A big part has to do with how being active affects the brain. Here are five surprising ways exercise is good for your mind.

The exercise “high” primes you to connect with others 

While typically described as a runner’s high, an exercise-induced mood boost is not exclusive to running. Similar good feelings can be found in any sustained physical activity, such as yoga, swimming and dancing.

Scientists long speculated that endorphins are behind the high, but research shows the high is linked to another class of brain chemicals: endocannabinoids(the same chemicals mimicked by cannabis) — what neuroscientists describe as the “don’t worry, be happy” chemical. Endocannabinoids reduce anxiety and induce a state of contentment. These brain chemicals also increase dopamine in the brain’s reward system, which fuels feelings of optimism.

Because endocannabinoids also increase the pleasure we derive from being around others, the exercise high primes us to connect. This makes exercise an excellent way to strengthen relationships. Among married couples, when spouses exercise together, both partners report more closeness later that day, studies show, including feeling loved and supported.

Another study shows that on days when people exercise, they experience more positive interactions with friends and family. As one runner said to me, “My family will sometimes send me out running, as they know that I will come back a much better person.”

Exercise can make your brain more sensitive to joy

Exercise provides a low-dose jolt to the brain’s reward centers — the system that helps you anticipate pleasure, feel motivated and maintain hope. Over time, regular exercise remodels the reward system, leading to higher circulating levels of dopamine and more available dopamine receptors. In this way, exercise can both relieve depression and expand your capacity for joy.

These changes can also repair the neurological havoc wreaked by substance abuse. Substance abuse lowers the level of dopamine in your brain and reduces the availability of dopamine receptors. Exercise can reverse this. In one randomized trial, adults in treatment for methamphetamine abuse participated in an hour of walking, jogging and strength training three times a week. After eight weeks, their brains showed an increase in dopamine receptor availability in the reward system.

Jump-starting the brain’s reward system benefits not just those who struggle with depression or addiction. Adults lose up to 13 percent of the dopamine receptors in the reward system with each passing decade. This loss leads to less enjoyment of everyday pleasures, but physical activity can prevent the decline. Active older adults have reward systems that more closely resemble those of individuals who are decades younger.

Exercise makes you brave

Courage is another side effect of how physical activity changes the brain. Exercise increases connections among areas of the brain that calm anxiety. Regular physical activity can also modify the default state of the nervous system so that it becomes more balanced and less prone to fight, flight or fright.

The latest research even suggests that lactate — a metabolic byproduct of exercise — has positive effects on mental health. After lactate is released by muscles, it travels through the bloodstream to the brain, where it can reduce anxiety and protect against depression.

Sometimes, specific movements allow us to experience ourselves as brave. The mind instinctively makes sense out of physical actions. So much of the language we use to describe courage relies on metaphors of the body: We overcome obstacles and break through barriers. We carry burdens, reach out for help and lift one another up.

When we are faced with adversity or we doubt our own strength, it can help to feel these actions in our bodies. Sometimes we need to climb an actual hill or work together to shoulder a heavy load to know these traits are a part of us.

Moving with others builds trust and belonging

French sociologist Émile Durkheim popularized the term collective effervescence to describe the euphoric self-transcendence individuals feel when they move together in ritual, prayer or work. Group exercise, such as yoga, dance or indoor cycling classes, is one of the most powerful ways to experience this joy.

Moving in the same way, and at the same time, as others triggers a release of endorphins. This is why dancers and rowers who move in sync show an increase in pain tolerance. But endorphins don’t just make us feel good; they help us bond, too. People who share an endorphin rush feel closer to one another afterward. It’s a powerful mechanism for forming friendships, even with people we don’t know.

Many aspects of a group exercise experience amplify the bonding effects of synchronized movement. For example, the more you get your heart rate up, the closer you feel to the people you move with. Adding music enhances the effect. Breathing in unison — as in a yoga or tai chi class — can also increase the feeling of collective joy. If you want to experience a state of belonging and self-transcendence, find a place where you can move, breathe and sweat with others.

Physical accomplishments change how you think about yourself and what you are capable of. One woman I spoke with shared a story about how when she was in her early 20s and severely depressed, she made a plan to take her own life. The day she intended to go through with it, she went to the gym for one last workout. She dead-lifted 185 pounds, a personal best. When she put the bar down, she realized that she didn’t want to die. Instead, she remembers, “I wanted to see how strong I could become.” Five years later, she can dead lift 300 pounds.

If there is a voice in your head saying, “You’re too old, too awkward, too big, too broken, too weak,” sensations from movement can provide a compelling counterargument. When you move with grace, your brain perceives the elongation of your limbs and the fluidity of your steps, and realizes, “I am graceful.” When you move with power, your brain encodes the explosive contraction of muscles, senses the speed of the action and understands, “I am powerful.” To discover a new part of yourself, choose a movement that reflects the qualities you want to develop.

Any form of exercise can lead to these effects. Move in whatever way feels good or makes you feel good about yourself. And know that you are not just strengthening your heart and your muscles. You are also strengthening your capacity to experience happiness, connection and courage.

Trying a new activity can transform your self-image

Physical accomplishments change how you think about yourself and what you are capable of. One woman I spoke with shared a story about how when she was in her early 20s and severely depressed, she made a plan to take her own life. The day she intended to go through with it, she went to the gym for one last workout. She dead-lifted 185 pounds, a personal best. When she put the bar down, she realized that she didn’t want to die. Instead, she remembers, “I wanted to see how strong I could become.” Five years later, she can dead lift 300 pounds.

If there is a voice in your head saying, “You’re too old, too awkward, too big, too broken, too weak,” sensations from movement can provide a compelling counterargument. When you move with grace, your brain perceives the elongation of your limbs and the fluidity of your steps, and realizes, “I am graceful.” When you move with power, your brain encodes the explosive contraction of muscles, senses the speed of the action and understands, “I am powerful.” To discover a new part of yourself, choose a movement that reflects the qualities you want to develop.

Any form of exercise can lead to these effects. Move in whatever way feels good or makes you feel good about yourself. And know that you are not just strengthening your heart and your muscles. You are also strengthening your capacity to experience happiness, connection and courage.

Change Counseling Welcomes Professional Counselor Kelsey Daniels to Our Team

Kelsey Daniels

Kelsey Daniels is a Licensed Professional Counselor who earned a Masters Degree from the University of New Haven in Community Psychology with a concentration in Forensic Psychology. Her approach to therapy is person-centered and strengths-based. She works to create a non-judgmental environment where people feel safe and heard. She believes that humor and transparency are key to the therapeutic relationship and to helping people learn to heal and grow.

Kelsey is currently accepting new clients at our Willimantic and Mansfield locations. Contact us here to set up an appointment with her today!

Therapy Doesn’t Mean Something’s Wrong With You

Turns Out Monkey Bars And Kickball Might Be Good For The Brain

Recess at Eagle Mountain Elementary School in Fort Worth, Texas, looks much like recess anyplace else. Some kids run and squeal, others swing, while a half-dozen of their peers are bunched up on the slide.

Journey Orebaugh, a 6-year-old in an off-white princess dress, is playing family.

"You just get a bunch of people and just act like who you want to be," she says. Journey likes to play the mom.

But in one sense, recess at Eagle Mountain is different. Journey gets more opportunities to role-play than many of her peers, because recess happens a lot here — four times a day, 15 minutes a pop for kindergartners and first-graders.

That's much more time on the playground than most public school kids get in the U.S. Over the past couple of decades, schools have cut recess time to make room for tests and test prep.

Ask Journey why she and her friends get so much more recess time, and she giggles. "Lucky," she says.

But ask the adults, and they'll tell you it's because Eagle Mountain is part of a project in which the school day is modeled after the Finnish school system, which consistently scores at or near the top in international education rankings. The project's designer is Texas Christian University kinesiologist Debbie Rhea.

"I went over there to find out where they've come in the last 20 to 25 years. Yes, their test scores are good, but they are also healthy in many regards," she says.

The biggest difference Rhea noticed was that students in Finland get much more recess than American kids do. "So, I came back with the idea to bring recess back to the schools. Not just one recess, but multiple recesses."

This year, Eagle Mountain Elementary started tripling recess time, from 20 minutes to an hour. The program also focuses on character development --things like empathy and positive behavior.

Rhea is working with a handful of local schools already. More will join next year in Texas, California and Oklahoma.

I came back with the idea to bring recess back to the schools. Not just one recess, but multiple recesses.

Kinesiologist Debbie Rhea

Teachers at Eagle Mountain say they've seen a huge transformation in their students. They say kids are less distracted, they make more eye contact, and they tattle less.

And then there are the pencils.

"You know why I was sharpening them? Because they were grinding on them, they were breaking them, they were chewing on them. They're not doing that now. They're actually using their pencils for the way that they were designed — to write things!" says teacher Cathy Wells.

Wells and fellow first-grade teacher Donna McBride have six decades of teaching between them and say this year feels different. They were nervous about fitting in all the extra recess and covering the basics, but Wells says that halfway through the school year, her kids are way ahead of schedule.

"If you want a child to be attentive and stay on task, and also if you want them to encode the information you're giving them in their memory, you've got to give them regular breaks," says Ohio State University pediatrician Bob Murray.

He has compiled research that backs up what teachers at Eagle Mountain are seeing in class. Murray says brain imaging has shown that kids learn better after a break for physical activity and unstructured play.

He and his colleagues wrote up a policy statement for the American Academy of Pediatrics suggesting that kids with regular recess behave better, are physically healthier and exhibit stronger social and emotional development. That's as school districts nationwide have been taking recess out of the school day.

"They want more academic time, they want more time to do the core subjects," Murray says. "They have pretty much carved away anything that got in the way of those minutes for teaching."

Debbie Rhea, the Texas Christian University kinesiologist, sees her program as a shift away from that thinking to giving kids more than just academics.

"We keep thinking as adults that we need to control the way they do things. I wish we'd get out of that. They know how to play, they know how to structure their own play — they need that time to grow responsibly."

When it comes down to it, Rhea says, our kids are better off if we just let them be kids.