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Social Media Use Linked To Anxiety, Depression Among Teens, New Study Finds

A new study found social media use, television viewing and computer use over a four-year period predicted more severe symptoms of anxiety and depression among adolescents. 

Social media use and screen time can lead to an increase in depression and anxiety among teens and adolescents, a new study finds.According to a study published in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, researchers observed more than 3,000 seventh to 10th graders in the greater Montreal area over a period of four years.

Researchers measured how much time students spent in front of social media, television and computers. The data revealed the more time kids spent engrossed in digital screens, their symptoms of anxiety and depression became more severe.

Not all forms of screen use yielded the same impact on their mental health, says Patricia Conrod, one of the study’s researchers.

“In terms of the relationship between screen time and depression, what we found was that social media was very robustly related to increases in depressive symptoms, as was television,” she says. “And there was no relationship between video gaming and depressive symptoms.”

When watching TV, kids often consume idealized lives that are different from their own experiences, she says. But social media is unique because adolescents are seeing pictures, videos and status updates from their own network of friends and peers.

“In some way, you're being exposed to a slightly biased perspective on what young people's lives are like and you compare yourself to that,” she says.

Most adults experienced their childhood and teenage years without social media. Conrod says many adults developed a “more balanced perspective on what everyday life is like” since they did not have digital access as kids.

But digital technology is more accessible than ever, and adolescents tend to spend a good chunk of their day using it — teens average around seven hours per day on social media, while tweens clock in around five hours per day. In 2018, roughly half of U.S. teens said they spend too much time on their cellphones, according to the Pew Research Center.

This consistent use can blur the lines of reality for adolescents whose brains are still developing, Conrod says.

“Adolescents today spend a lot more of their time interacting with others through social media and therefore exposed to a reality that is biased,” she says.

Conrod says she is concerned that the filtered lives of others that many young people see while scrolling on their phones could influence how they critically examine information.

Multi-screening, the act of being exposed to more than one screen at a time, also contributes to whether young people can effectively parse out what’s biased and what’s not, she says. When you’re in front of multiple screens, “you become less critical of the information you're being exposed to because your attention is divided,” she says.

“If you're spending a lot of your time being exposed to biased information, there's a risk that you're going to develop a somewhat biased perspective of the world,” she says. “And that's concerning to me.”

How to Find the Best Mental Health Professional for You

Do you need a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor or someone else?

You work out for your physical fitness. You get your checkups, brush your teeth, get enough sleep and wash your face. You take so many steps to maintain your health, but they'll only take you so far if you feel depressed or struggle with alcohol or can't stop fighting with your spouse. "Mental health is essential to overall health," says Paolo del Vecchio, director of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s Center for Mental Health Services. Most of us (hopefully) wouldn't think twice about seeing a doctor if we had, say, strep throat, and we'd gladly take the antibiotics prescribed. So if you're feeling sick in other ways – you're anxious, you don't want to eat – why wait to get help from a professional? Here are the different people who can help:

Psychiatrists

Psychiatrists are physicians specialized in mental health and sometimes more specific areas, such as psychiatry for addiction recovery or for children. They can diagnose and treat mental health disorders and hold either a Doctor of Medicine or a Doctor of Osteopathy degree, often shortened to M.D. and D.O., respectively. Because they’re medical doctors – unlike most other professionals on this list – they can prescribe medications. Del Vecchio says medication management is one of psychiatrists’ primary roles, and they are less likely (but certainly qualified) to provide counsel.

Psychologist

The two “psych-” professions can be easy to mix up. Here’s a basic distinction: While a psychiatrist holds a medical degree, a psychologist has a doctoral degree, either in clinical, educational, counseling or research psychology. Psychologists can diagnose mental health disorders and provide counseling in either an individual or group setting. While most psychologists cannot prescribe medications, they may work with a physician to coordinate a medical treatment plan, if necessary.

Counselor

The training and academic requirements for licensed counselors vary by state, but they typically have a graduate degree in a mental health field, along with clinical experience. Most counselors don’t diagnose conditions, and none prescribe medications. According to "8 Things You Didn’t Know About Counseling," they’re more likely to help with life transitions, which may include issues with family members, spouses or a changing work environment. 

So wait, what’s a therapist?

Here’s the thing: A “therapist” can be a number of mental health professionals, including a psychiatrist, psychologist or counselor. A therapist is simply someone who provides therapy, and it’s more so a general term than an official title. That’s why knowing the difference between the specific professions is key in figuring out who will work best with you.

And there are other folks who can help.

Depending on your needs, certain social workers, specialized nurses and physician assistants can also provide guidance. The range of their abilities and qualifications is wide and can include diagnosing conditions, counseling, and in some cases, prescribing medications.  

Don’t forget about your primary care physician.

Del Vecchio says more than 50 percent of mental health-related medications are prescribed through primary care physicians, who can diagnose many mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety. Your doctor’s office is a great place to start if you want to feel better. Tell her your concerns – whether you’ve been super stressed about the divorce or feeling very lonely – and she can help you determine your next step. Your primary care physician may prescribe medication or refer you to one of the professionals previously mentioned. 

So how do you know which kind of doctor you need?

Your primary care doctor may help you determine what kind of professional you should see, based partially on your needs for, say, medications. She will likely refer you to someone in the network of your health insurance, too. Another tip for finding the right professional: Consider your situation. Generally, the more severe your symptoms – you’re so depressed you’ve been skipping work – the more training you should look for in a professional. And if you’re looking to solve a specific issue, such as work stress or marital conflicts, seek providers specialized in those areas. 

Other considerations

Whoever you choose, comfort with that person is key, del Vecchio says. He encourages folks to ask the mental health professional plenty of questions about his or her specialty, approach and philosophy. And don’t be shy about discussing the cost of appointments, he says.

Don’t settle.

Given the important role your therapist may play in your life, del Vecchio says you ought to “shop around a little bit.” In addition to your primary care doctor’s referral and your insurance company’s network, ask friends and family for their suggestions. There are also online locator tools for mental health resources, like the one on the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website.

What Parents Should Know About Teen Depression

Look for these signs and be proactive in addressing the mood disorder.

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, in 2015 an estimated 3 million teens in America between the ages of 12 and 17 experienced at least one major depressive episode in the past 12 months; that’s 12.5 percent of the U.S. adolescent population. An MDE is experiencing symptoms of depression, such as loss of interest in usual activities, lack of energy and hopelessness, accompanied by depressed mood for a period of two weeks or more. According to a study published in the journal Pediatrics, the prevalence of adolescents who reported they had an MDE in the previous year jumped from 8.7 percent in 2005 to 11.5 percent in 2014 – a 37 percent increase. Sadly, adolescent depression continues to rise.

However, despite the increase in adolescent depression, there hasn’t been a proportionate increase in mental health treatment. These teens are not receiving the professional services they need to help them cope and relieve their symptoms. Teen depression goes beyond sadness and can often manifest in anger, moodiness and isolation. Whether your teen is being moody or suffering from clinical depression can be difficult to determine, since depression can be easily mistaken for typical teen behavior.

It’s easy to dismiss adolescent behavior as a snarky attitude or being disrespectful, but perhaps there’s more to the story. What if behind the defiance, your teen is miserable, can’t remember the last time she felt happy, or worse yet, questioned whether she’d be better off dead? With these troublesome and dismal thoughts looming, your teen may know that something is wrong but not know how to talk with you about how she feels. Though it may be difficult to distinguish from teen angst, adolescent depression is real, it’s painful and it can take an emotional, mental and physical toll. The only way you can combat teen depression is to take a proactive approach.

How Do Adolescents Experience Depression?

To begin to understand depression, you have to know what it is and how to differentiate it from normal teen behavior. Depression can be described as the persistent feeling of deep sadness. Most of us have felt depressed at some point in our lives. Usually these feelings come and go, but sometimes they linger for days, weeks or even months.

Depressed adults and teens may experience similar symptoms. However, those symptoms may manifest in different ways, making it hard to separate normal adolescent behavior from the behavioral changes associated with depression. For example, depressed teens may show signs of anxiety, refuse to go to school, stop talking with friends, become extremely argumentative and stay awake most of the night, but sleep all day. Many teens who aren’t depressed may exhibit some these behaviors at one time or another. The difference between typical behavior and depression is the duration, frequency and intensity as well as the implications it has on personal, social and academic functioning. Unlike adult depression, teen depression may go unnoticed and get brushed off as rebellious adolescent behavior.

How Do I know If My Teen Is Depressed?

There are some tell-tale indicators of depression. The following are some common signs and symptoms of adolescent depression:

  • pulls away from family and friends

  • seems depressed or irritable more days than not

  • disengages in things that were once fun and enjoyable

  • sleeps too much or not enough

  • eats too much or not enough resulting in weight loss or gain

  • appears lethargic and is unmotivated

  • expresses feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness

  • pays little attention to personal hygiene

  • expresses feelings of emptiness and being emotionally numb

  • lacks the ability to focus and concentrate

  • appears more argumentative and agitated than usual

  • experiences bouts of crying without reason

  • uses drugs to cope with problems

  • engages in self-injurious behavior

  • complains of stomach aches, headaches and other pains that don’t respond to treatment

  • expresses thoughts about death or suicide

  • some of these symptoms persist for two weeks or more

If you feel your teen is suffering from depression, please seek professional help immediately. Untreated depression is serious and can, in some instances, put an adolescent at risk for suicide.

How Can I Help My Teen Manage Depression?

If your teen is depressed, here are five things you can do right now to help him or her cope:

1. Stop and listen. Don't worry about what to say; be understanding and encouraging and let your teen know that you’re right there every step of the way. Set aside some face-to-face time each day to speak with your teen. Make sure there are no distractions during your time together, such as a vibrating cell phone or having to take dinner out of the oven. Your teen needs your undivided attention. There is nothing that can be more healing than the power of your presence.

2. Stay the course. Separate depression from your teen, and don’t let the illness push you away. Even if your teen refuses to talk, there is comfort in just sitting on the sofa together and watching Netflix. Small steps can lead to great strides.

3. Do something together. Go for a walk, play a game of one-on-one basketball or take up a new hobby, such as cooking or woodworking. Slowly reintroduce your teen to fun social activities. Keep in mind that depression may lead your teen to disengage, but with time, your teen may come around to doing the things he or she once found enjoyable.

4. Go there. Don’t steer clear of difficult topics, such as suicide or drugs. Too often parents avoid the tough conversations; but these are the exchanges that can have the most positive impact. For example, if you find your teen self-medicating with pot, discuss how marijuana is a depressant and can intensify depression. Likewise, ask your teen about thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Don’t worry about planting a seed, if the thought is there, you aren’t reinforcing it by saying it out loud. By bringing up the difficult topics, you make it clear that any subject can be discussed – and that can be comforting to a depressed teen.

5. Get help. Take your teen to see a mental health professional and stick with the treatment plan. Depression doesn’t develop overnight, and it won’t go away overnight either. Work closely with your child’s doctor and therapist, and sign a release for both to communicate with one another. These professionals will form your teen’s treatment team.

With modern advancements in medication and therapy, depression can be effectively treated in 70 to 90 percent of cases. So, your teen doesn’t have to suffer in silence. There is hope, there is treatment, and there are brighter days ahead.

How Adult Bullying Impacts Your Mental and Physical Health

How this kind of harassment can have harmful ripple effects on your body and mind.

UNTIL THE last presidential election and the rise of the #MeToo movement, people often thought of bullying almost exclusively as kid stuff, not something mature adults engage in. How wrong we were! It turns out that adults are being bullied at rates that rival what kids experience: In an online survey of more than 2,000 adults across the U.S., conducted on behalf of the American Osteopathic Association in October, 31 percent of respondents said they’ve been bullied as adults, and 43 percent believe that bullying behavior has become more accepted in the past year.

As upsetting as being bullied is at any given moment, what’s worse is it can have a significant impact on your physical and emotional health, leading to sleep loss, headaches, muscle pain, anxiety and depression, or frequent sick days, according to the AOA poll. “There can be significant, long-term detrimental effects,” notes Dr. Charles Sophy, an osteopathic psychiatrist in private practice and medical director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services. Over time, “the stress from bullying can trickle into thyroid problems, gastrointestinal problems, elevated blood pressure, mood disorders, self-harming behavior and eating disorders,” among other health conditions. In fact, a study in the November 2015 issue of the American Journal of Public Health found that victims of workplace bullying have double the risk of experiencing suicidal ideation over the subsequent five years.

Whether it occurs at work, at the gym, sporting venues, in the community or elsewhere, bullying – defined by the American Psychological Association as “aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort” – typically involves a real or perceived power imbalance. Among adults, bullying can take more subtle forms than it does with kids: Rather than threatening to beat someone up or calling someone nasty names, the adult brand of bullying can include political backstabbing, the silent treatment, publicly belittling or humiliating someone, social ostracism or undermining him or her.

In 2011, Tracy Lamourie and her husband experienced an onslaught of social bullying after they stood up for a lesbian couple’s right to publicly display affection; the couple had been asked to leave a coffee shop in a small conservative town in Canada after a pastor complained about their kiss. The personal moment mushroomed into a community-wide controversy after the couple requested an apology from the shop’s owner and didn’t get one. A “Kiss In” demonstration was organized, and Lamourie, a publicist, wrote a press release that attracted local and national attention from TV stations and newspapers.

When the demonstration sparked community uproar, Lamourie and her husband became targets of bullying. “It was suddenly not only cool to hate us in person and on Facebook, but people turned on us in a giant way and it got to the point where we started to expect a rock [to be hurled] through our front window,” says Lamourie, now 48. “I was depressed and angry – it was so overwhelming [that] we literally made the decision to pack up our family and walk away from the home we loved.” The couple moved with their son to a Toronto suburb.

A Climate of Fear and Loathing

When it happens at work, being bullied also can affect your ability to focus and function effectively. “It can lead to a toxic environment where the victims are unable to concentrate because they are focused on self-preservation,” says psychologist Kenneth Yeager, director of the Stress Trauma and Resilience program at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center in Columbus. “Bullies target people who pose a threat to them in the workplace. They will frequently target someone who is smart, competent and well-liked. After the bullying is done, the target will be less confident and may feel inadequate.”

Jon Salas once worked for a manager who was a master at belittling people – “she made just about everyone in the office cry at some point, and she fostered a sense of paranoia,” recalls Salas, 29, a publicist in Boston. Feeling constantly anxious and on edge, Salas often woke up at 2 a.m., “thinking about work and how I would handle my confrontation when it was my turn,” he recalls. “I would fall asleep after an hour or two and wake up exhausted when my alarm went off. The effects of workplace abuse wear on you physically and emotionally.”

Bullying can even have harmful ripple effects among bystanders who aren’t on the receiving end because “watching it is a vicarious trauma,” Sophy says. Research in a 2013 issue of the International Archives of Occupational and Environmental Health found that even witnessing workplace bullying is associated with an increased risk of developing depressive symptomsover the subsequent 18 months.

Coping Cues

Since dealing with a bully can take a toll on various levels, it’s smart to take care of yourself in multiple ways, too. For starters, it’s important to call it what it is – to acknowledge that you’re being bullied, in other words. Some people might not immediately admit they're being bullied because they're reluctant to see themselves as victims or they question their perception of what's going on. Recognizing bullying as it’s happening can provide some comfort by validating your feelings and assuring you that the negative dynamic isn’t imagined.

“Don’t think that bullying isn’t affecting you because it is unconsciously, especially if you have underlying health problems,” Sophy says. You may want to see a therapist to help you cope with the fallout and get checked out by your primary care physician if you have symptoms – such as sleep problems or pain conditions – that are triggered by the stress of bullying, Sophy says. It’s also important to practice good self-care – by eating well, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep and engaging in stress-relieving activities such as meditation, yoga or journal writing.

At work, try to limit your exposure to a bully, Sophy suggests. As they occur, keep an inventory of the bullying behaviors to help you develop a plan for confronting the perpetrator or formalizing a complaint if you decide to go that route. When a bully does come after you, “don't react to the attack – bullies live for the reaction,” Yeager says. “It’s reinforcing and enables the bully. Instead, listen carefully and respond as the voice of reason.”

Between outbursts, do your best to stay focused on getting your work done and maintaining your productivity. Engage in positive self-talk to try to bolster your spirits and self-confidence – “don’t give the bully free rent in your head,” Yeager warns – and turn to trusted co-workers for mutual support. “We all have a part in stopping bullies, so if a peer is being bullied, be their support,” Yeager advises. “If you are being bullied, find support” from co-workers. Sometimes the best way to buffer a bully’s impact is to try to get by with a little help from your friends and colleagues.

Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)

Accelerated resolution therapy, or ART, is a type of therapy that combines principles from several traditional forms of psychotherapy to reduce the effect of trauma and other psychological stressors. Using techniques such as rapid eye movement and image rescripting, this approach works to recondition stressful memories, changing how they are stored in the brain to improve overall mental health.

People seeking therapy to reduce the impact of symptoms related to traumatic or stress-inducing memories or increase their capacity for resilience within a relatively short timeframe may find ART beneficial.

HISTORY AND DEVELOPMENT

Accelerated resolution therapy was developed in 2008 by licensed marriage and family therapist, Laney Rosenzweig. ART was born from Laney’s experience with several treatment modalities, including eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). Through her training and practice using EMDR, Laney found rapid eye movement beneficial in treatment but determined that modifying it could enhance the process. Rosenzweig created a set of standardized and directive guidelines based on multiple therapeutic frameworks, establishing ART as a treatment method.

In 2015, the National Registry of Evidence-based Programs and Practices (NREPP) officially recognized ART as an evidence-basedpractice, and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) named ART an effective psychotherapy for posttraumatic stress (PTSD), depression, and personal resilience. 

THEORY AND PRINCIPLES

ART incorporates elements of several treatment modalities, including EMDR, Gestalt, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and brief psychodynamic therapy (BPP). From these therapeutic frameworks, ART employs techniques like rapid eye movement, exposure, imagery rescripting, and guided imagery. Using these methods, ART practitioners can help change the way stress-inducing images are stored in the brain, reducing their negative physical and emotional effects. 

To grasp the fundamentals of ART, it may help to understand how it is implemented. ART interventions can be used concurrently with other treatments, including pharmacotherapy. Individuals in therapy set the pace of ART sessions, choosing which memories are shared and when. Although the use of rapid eye movement mimics the eye movements that occur during dreams, ART does not involve hypnotherapy. Additionally, therapists do not assign homework, and ART does not require people to recall or process traumatic memories between sessions.

Although ART bears some resemblance to treatment modalities like EMDR and CBT, there are several aspects of ART that make it unique, including the following:

  • Specific and Efficient: The methods applied in ART have been shown to produce a faster recovery. Accelerated resolution therapy is designed to be delivered in one to five sessions, each around 60 to 75 minutes long, over the course of a 2-week period. Research has indicated that many people experience positive results within this time frame. The techniques incorporated during sessions are structured to provide quick relief of symptoms as they arise. There are also specific, tailored interventions that target certain issues like trauma, abuse, or smoking cessation.

  • Directive and Interactive: As therapists encourage people in therapy to recall traumatic memories, they use CBT techniques like in vivo exposure to guide the triggered response. The therapist works to reduce any physiological distress accompanying traumatic memories by instructing the person to pause the recall processing. Individuals are encouraged to develop solutions to their traumatic experience during interactive portions of ART. As a memory is recalled, the therapist helps them shift the memory to something more positive, often by employing imagery rescripting. 

  • Voluntary Memory Replacement: ART helps people change feelings associated with traumatic memories, but not the facts. In ART, this type of image rescripting is called voluntary memory/image replacement. Individuals in therapy are encouraged to replace the traumatic memory with a more positive one of their own imagining. They may recall the details of the trauma but no longer feel the same physical, emotional, or visceral response.

A TYPICAL ART SESSION

A person who begins accelerated resolution therapy is often informed that they are in control of what happens. To begin a typical ART session, a therapist may start by asking the person to do a full body scan. After establishing a baseline for their physical status, the therapist could ask them to recall the distressing memory or image. Individuals are told to visualize the traumatic event in its entirety, not worrying about any gaps in memory. Rapid eye movement can be utilized at this stage, not only to facilitate visualizing the event, but also to help with any strong emotional or physical sensations that occur during this part of the process. The memory recall segment of the session can last anywhere from 30 seconds to 10 minutes.

As the physical and emotional stressors emerge, ART therapists may use a desensitization procedure to reduce the physical and emotional impact of the memories. They may pause the visualization and ask the individual they are working with to do another body scan to slow the stress response. For example, if a woman reports shortness of breath and chest tightness while visualizing an experience of childhood sexual abuse, the therapist may instruct her to forget the scene and focus on her breathing until she is relaxed again. Bringing attention to bodily sensation can provide relief from any intense emotional responses that occur during visualization. Once the person is calm, the process will continue and may repeat, alternating between memory processing and bodily awareness. In this way, the stress response can be reduced gradually.

Throughout the visualization process, the therapist can also encourage the person they are working with to think of solutions for their targeted images or memories. This process, referred to in ART as voluntary image replacement, happens through rapid eye movement, use of metaphors, gestalt techniques, and other interventions that can promote positive sensation. The image rescripting process is similar to EMDR and other methods that treat issues like depression, nightmares, or insomnia and is an element of the ART session crucial to the treatment’s effectiveness. Research indicates that when trauma-related memories are integrated with positive experiences, distressing memories become less intrusive. 

HOW CAN ART HELP?

Several studies show that in even a few sessions, ART can significantly reduce the symptoms of trauma-related issues. ART can be used to treat a variety of presenting issues, including the following:

TRAINING FOR ART

According to the official ART website, therapists who receive training in accelerated resolution therapy are promoting their own professional resilience by preventing therapist burnout. ART can allow therapists to see rapid results for those they work with while preventing themselves from absorbing painful details about the trauma, a dynamic beneficial to both therapist and the person in therapy.

Training is regularly offered through the Rosenzweig Center for Rapid Recovery at various locations around the United States and Canada. Brief but intensive 2 to 3 day trainings include basic, advanced, and enhancement levels. Training format includes lecture, video, practicum, and live demonstrations. 

CONCERNS AND LIMITATIONS

Due to the nature of trauma work, methods of treatment that target distressing memories are often capable of eliciting intense emotional and physical reactions. Although ART is specifically designed to help people manage these reactions safely, it is important to consider the potential for further trauma. Additionally, because of the likelihood that strong sensations will be experienced during sessions, people with serious physical or psychological conditions should consult their doctor before engaging in this kind of treatment. Any concerns about eyesight should especially be taken into consideration prior to treatment. 

Mental health professionals who choose to employ ART as part of their practice should be thoroughly trained in how to use it, conduct comprehensive assessment, develop solid relationships with the individuals they treat, and ensure they are able to maintain the safety and well-being of those they work with.

Why We Really Celebrate New Year’s Day

Our celebration of what's ahead is rooted in our most ancient instincts.

At one second past midnight on January 1, the day will changed from Tuesday to Wednesday, usually a transition of no special significance. But somehow we've decided that this change, which will end one year and begin the next, is different. This unique tick of the clock has always prompted us both to celebrate and to step outside the day-to-day activity we’re always busy with to reflect, look back, take stock, assess how we did, and resolve to do better. Save perhaps for our birthdays, no other moment in our year gets this sort of attention.

Why does the start of the new year carry such special symbolism? And why is its celebration so common around the world, as it has been for at least as long as there have been calendars? Behavior this ubiquitous must surely be tied to something intrinsic in the human animal, something profoundly meaningful and important, given all the energy and resources we invest not just in the celebration but also in our efforts to make good on a fresh set of resolutions, even though we mostly fail to keep them. It may be that the symbolism we attach to this moment is rooted in one of the most powerful motivations of all: our motivation to survive.

The celebration part is obvious. As our birthdays do, New Year’s Day provides us the chance to celebrate having made it through another 365 days, the unit of time by which we keep chronological score of our lives. Phew! Another year over, and here we still are! Time to raise our glasses and toast our survival. (The flip side of this is represented by the year-end obituary summaries of those who didn’t make it, reassuring those of us who did.)

But what about those resolutions? Aren’t they about survival, too—living healthier, better, longer? New Year’s resolutions are examples of the universal human desire to have some control over what lies ahead, because the future is unsettlingly unknowable. Not knowing what’s to come means we don’t know what we need to know to keep ourselves safe. To counter that worrisome powerlessness, we do things to take control. We resolve to diet and exercise, to quit smoking, and to start saving. It doesn’t even matter whether we hold our resolve and make good on these promises. Committing to them, at least for a moment, gives us a feeling of more control over the uncertain days to come.

A 2007 study by British psychologist Richard Wiseman found that for many of us, what U2 sang is true: "Nothing changes on New Year's Day.” Of 3,000 people followed for a year, 88% failed to achieve the goals of their resolutions, although 52% had been confident they would when they made them. Here’s a summary of that research, which includes some suggestions for how to make good on yours.

Interestingly, New Years resolutions also commonly include things like treating people better, making new friends, and paying off debts. It's been so throughout history. The Babylonians would return borrowed objects. Jews seek, and offer, forgiveness. The Scots go "first footing," visiting neighbors to wish them well. How does all this social "resolving" connect to survival? Simple: We are social animals. We have evolved to depend on others, literally, for our health and safety. Treating people well is a good way to be treated well. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," it turns out, is a great survival strategy.

And many people resolve to pray more. That makes sense in terms of survival, too: Pray more and an omnipotent force is more likely to keep you safe. Jews pray at the start of their new year to be inscribed in "the Book of Life" for one more year. And though death is inescapable, throughout history humans have dealt with the fear of mortality by affiliating with religions that promise happy endings. Pray more, and death is less scary.

There are hundreds of good-luck rituals woven among New Year celebrations, also practiced in the name of exercising a little control over fate. The Dutch, for whom the circle is a symbol of success, eat donuts. Greeks bake special Vassilopitta cake with a coin inside, bestowing good luck in the coming year on whoever finds it in his or her slice. Fireworks on New Year's Eve started in China millennia ago as a way to chase off evil spirits. The Japanese hold New Year’s Bonenkai, or "forget-the-year parties," to bid farewell to the problems and concerns of the past year and prepare for a better new one. Disagreements and misunderstandings between people are supposed to be resolved, and grudges set aside. In a New Year’s ritual for many cultures, houses are scrubbed to sweep out the bad vibes and make room for better ones.

It’s fascinating, really, to see how common so much of this is: Fireworks. Good-luck rituals. Resolutions to give us the pretense of control over the future. Everywhere, New Year's is a moment to consider our weaknesses and how we might reduce the vulnerabilities they pose—and to do something about the scary powerlessness that comes from thinking about the unsettling unknown of what lies ahead. As common as these shared behaviors are across both history and culture, it’s fascinating to realize that the special ways that people note this unique passage of one day into the next are probably all manifestations of the human animal’s fundamental imperative for survival.

So, how do you reassure yourself against the scariest thing the future holds, the only sure thing that lies ahead, the inescapable reality that you will someday die? Pass the donuts, the Vassilopitta and the grapes, light the fireworks, and raise a glass to toast: "To survival!"

6 Types of Self-Care You Need to Know

There are six main types of self-care! If you’re struggling to create time for self-care or you’re trying to discover what kinds of self-care you need in your life right now, check out the Self-Love Workbook. It’s 250+ pages of self-care worksheets, planner pages, and so much more. It’s designed to help you discover exactly what kind of self-care works for you, and it is very you-specific. 

Self-care: Actions you perform to take care of your physical, emotional, and mental needs.

When you love something you have ways of showing your love. You water your garden, you feed your cats, and you do sweet little things for your Loves. That’s what self-care is for you.

It’s about turning that love, attention, and affection toward yourself. You need love too. It becomes so much easier to have functional relationships when you aren’t living day-to-day deprived of the things that make you feel good. It becomes easier when you aren’t constantly living in a deficit of “love me”, “make me happy”, “make me feel valued”, voids that you are constantly yearning for other people to fill.

You can give those things to yourself.

Self-care is all about communicating with your soul and saying “Hey, what do you need right now?”

Then doing it.

Self-care is different for everyone and changes with moods and situations. It helps you figure out a step-by-step plan on what to do when you’re sick, tired, sad, stressed out, anxious, and all emotions in between.

Self-care helps stop the spiral of destructive emotions. It gives you something to focus on when you feel yourself starting to break down. It’s your greatest ally when it comes to coping with life in a healthy and productive way.

Types of Self-Care

Physical Self-Care

Physical self-care is probably the self-care that you’re most familiar with. It means getting enough water, food, sleep, and physical activity. It means taking care of yourself when you’re sick instead of soldiering through it, it means all of those things – but it also means so much more.

How does your body feel right now? Oh, that lovely body of yours, how’s it doing?

Physical self-care means not negating your physical needs. It’s not about green smoothies, spa days, yoga, and pedicures.

Physically caring for yourself means not abusing drugs or alcohol or anything else that is actively hurting your body or just makes you feel all around crappy. It means not binging on food. It means not staying up late, missing out on sleep because you’re browsing Facebook. Not pushing yourself when you’re sick. It means going to the doctor and the dentist when you need to.

These are all things that you know you should do, it’s just a matter of doing it.

There’s also the next level, the not-a-necessity level, of physical self-care. This kind of self-care just focuses on things that make you feel good physically.

Body scrubs, massages, pedicures, and spa days.
Let someone else cut, color, and style your hair.
Make the time to do your makeup if it makes you feel extra pretty.

If that’s not your thing, that’s totally okay too. There are a million ways to be nice to your body. Find the ways that work for you.
Wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself and about your body. Find your style. Walk out of the house feeling like a goddess whether you’re wearing yoga pants and t-shirt or done up like a model.

Physical self-care also involves delving into your sexuality and the things that make you feel pleasure. Explore yourself. Figure out what you like. Start healing any feelings of shame and guilt you feel about sex. Take time to be sexual, either with yourself or your partner or whoever gives you butterflies.
If it makes you feel good, make time for it.

Find something physical that you love doing. Find your thing. Take long walks and listen to music or audiobooks or play Pokemon. Swim! Do yoga or pilates! Belly dance or copy the dances from your favorite music videos. Play basketball or throw a ball around with your kids. There are so many options for you.

Whatever you can do is good enough.

Emotional Self-Care

How you deal with your feelings says a lot about how much you love yourself. Having the ability to deal with your emotions in a healthy way is crucial to your happiness and your quality of life.
If you feel like you are unable to deal with your emotions in a productive way, if you feel like your emotions are in control of you and your life, then focusing on your emotional self-care can really help.

When you feel an unpleasant emotion like jealousy, shame, embarrassment – how do you deal with it? Do you beat yourself up over it? Do you blame yourself for being too weak or sensitive when you let things get to you?
You have to learn how to honor your emotions and process them in a healthy way.

On the opposite end of the scale, you could be the kind of person that never lets anything rattle her. You refuse to feel those things that hurt and while you’re so busy pretending like you’re indestructible those feelings have a way of manifesting themselves in your life through chaos and self-destruction.

Emotional self-care is about reacting to your emotions in a healthy way, having good coping mechanisms, and cultivating emotional intelligence.

This means being able to be aware of what you’re feeling, when you’re feeling it, the ability to cope with the emotion, and also express it in a healthy way.

You have to learn how to be gentle with yourself and your feelings.

Develop compassion for yourself and your feelings and why you feel the way you do. You are emotional. It’s normal, it’s human, and oftentimes, it’s messy, and that’s okay. Things like jealousy, anger, and hurt are real and valid and they deserve to be explored. No emotion that you have makes you a bad person or less than.

There will be times when you are an emotional mess, when you’re having a bad day and nothing that you do is really making you feel better. Be patient and loving, just like you’d be with someone you love.

Sometimes the only way to heal is to just quietly understand.

You can start working on your emotional self-care right now by changing the tone of your internal voice. Let that voice be one that provides wisdom instead of verbal abuse. In time, that inner you can become your greatest source of comfort.
Work on your self-talk. Make sure that you aren’t being verbally abusive to yourself. No more calling yourself ugly, fat, stupid, or any other words you wouldn’t use toward someone you love.
Say no to demands on your time when it’s for your greater good. You aren’t obligated to emotionally drain or hurt yourself for the benefit of other people. Stop guilting yourself over every little thing you’ve ever done wrong and remove constant “should”s from your vocabulary.Have good emotional boundaries. If something or someone triggers you, know when to step back.

Have good emotional boundaries. If something or someone triggers you, know when to step back.
Don’t numb yourself from your emotions, this means not using drugs, alcohol, food, or anything else to hide from your feelings.
Create a support system that understands your emotional struggles. Find people you can talk to about anxiety, depression, or any of the other things you might struggle with.

Ask yourself what you really need right now, and ask it again, and again, multiple times a day.
Have a healthy plan to cope with emotional distress.
When you’re having an emotional crisis tap into your wise inner self and work on being able to give yourself good advice.

Personal Self-Care

One of the side effects of not loving yourself is not knowing who you are. You’re so tied up in how other people feel about you and what they think about you that you mold yourself to make them happy. You become who your partner wants you to be, or you do the things that your friends want you to do. Who you are, who you really are, gets lost between their wants and expectations.

I call this chameleon syndrome. You change yourself to fit into your surroundings. Sometimes this is okay, we all do it to some extent in our daily lives, but it becomes a problem when you forget (or never discovered) who you are deep down inside.

Personal self-care is about discovering that true self. It’s about letting go of the things that you were taught to believe as a child and finding your own path. It’s about discovering what you like to do and who you are when no one else is around.
Fall in love with who you are. Your quirks, your qualities, all of the ways and reasons you’re worth loving. Life is not about existing for other people, it’s about existing for yourself.

Take a look at what you really want out of life and then see what steps you can take to get there.

How do you practice personal self-care? Any way you want!

Try new things to discover what you really like and what really makes you happy. Maybe somewhere inside of you is a budding artist or a yoga teacher or someone who really enjoys kickboxing. You’ll never know until you try it!

Form your own thoughts and opinions instead of letting yourself be swayed by the expectations or the thoughts of the people around you.
Know that you are a complete and whole person unto yourself and you don’t need anyone to complete you.
If you were building yourself up from nothing, what types of values would you give yourself? What kind of person would you be? Let those ideas be the starting point for figuring out who you are.

Spend lots of quality time alone. Even if you are an extrovert, learn how to enjoy solitude and alone time.
Make time for your hobbies and the things that bring you joy, you can never have too much of them.
Plan for your future and make long-term goals. Go for what you really want in life.
Discover all of the things you are.

Social Self-Care

Introvert, extrovert, or something in-between, no matter what you identify with, or if you don’t identify with anything, you do need to know what socially fulfills you. Who you surround yourself with has a huge impact on how you feel about yourself.
So, how’s your social life? It’s really important that you honor your social needs. Do you need to make time to go out more and have some time with your sisterhood? Are you ready to try to get out there and date? Do you find yourself committing to social situations when you really don’t want to?

It’s really important that you honor your social needs. Do you need to make time to go out more and have some time with your sisterhood? Are you ready to try to get out there and date? Do you find yourself committing to social situations when you really don’t want to?
Introverts recharge by spending time alone. They begin to feel drained when they spend a lot of time with other people.

Extroverts, on the other hand, get recharged by being around other people. They prefer to be in social situations and have a lot of fun when in a social atmosphere.
A lot of people are a mix of both at different times and in different situations and with different people.

Social self-care asks you to learn what amount of “people-ing” is right for you and when.

If you’re an extrovert but you’re so busy working or taking care of the family that you begin to feel lonely and yearn for social interaction then find a way to give yourself time with your friends.
Connect with other mamas. Set a date every week or every month when you can connect with your friends for movies, coffee, or drinks.
Don’t let your extroversion be a crutch though. Make sure that you are also spending fulfilling time alone as well.

If you’re an introvert chances are that there’s someone in your life that doesn’t understand why you’d ever want to stay home on a Friday night and read.
Don’t say yes to every social situation that comes your way just because.
It’s okay to say no and to sit at home and watch tv or get extra sleep or spend time on your hobbies. You don’t owe anyone anything.
On the reverse side – make sure that you are getting some social stimulation. Don’t be afraid to initiate a coffee date or dip into the social scene sometimes. Shake things up!

Make sure that the people in your life are respecting you as a person and valuing you as much as you value them.

Communication is the key. Talk about your feelings. If someone hurts you, learn how to talk about it in a way that honors your feelings as well as theirs.

It’s okay to let go of friendships if they are no longer nourishing. Don’t just hold on for the sake of holding on or because of history. It’s not enough.
This also relates to your family. If one of your parents has a toxic effect on your life you aren’t obligated to put up with it. It’s time to make healthy choices (& boundaries) in all aspects of your life.

One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to create boundaries.

Surround yourself with people who make you feel better about yourself and who inspire you to be the person that you know you are.
Surround yourself with community. It is so important to have women around you who are there to build you up.

If you need extra support in life, think about joining a support group. These can connect you with people who understand your personal struggles and can help you deal with things in a way that other people might not understand.
If you feel overwhelmed by life and you need some space, it’s okay to not be social. Embrace the quiet and solitude.
Don’t be afraid to try to heal relationships if you decide it’s worth it. You are allowed to put in the work to make your relationships work.

Spiritual Self-Care

Whether you’re religious or not, taking care of your soul is just as important as taking care of the other aspects of yourself. All parts of you work together to create a healthy life and understanding all parts of who you are and letting them work together, is essential for happiness.
Whether you consider yourself religious, spiritual, a free spirit, ambivalent, or indifferent – taking care of yourself on a spiritual level is part of the whole self-love experience.

What things honor your spirit? Answer that question and then do those things. It’s so very important.

Do the things that are good for your soul.

What this means is different for everyone, do what feels right for you. Are you noticing a theme here?

Go to church, go out in nature, do yoga, or just read a really good book. Listen to the calling of your soul, it won’t lead you astray.
Self-care for the soul includes things like finding out what you believe. Get rid of everything that was forced onto you as you were growing up and come up with what you truly believe, it is okay if it’s different, it’s okay if it’s the same, just do what resonates in your heart.

Do activities that allow you to connect on a spiritual level.

Again, it’s all up to what sings to your soul but don’t be afraid to try something new.
Read religious or spiritual books. Discover what spiritual ideals other people hold. Let your own beliefs be challenged by different thinking. Allow yourself to see the beauty in other spiritual and religious paths.

Pray or meditate. (I love Insight Timer!) There are so many types of prayer. You can pray before bed or before you eat, or you can pray when you’re out in nature watching the sunrise. Prayer can be the act of saying thank you or of lighting candles. Speak to your soul or that higher being as often as it feels good.
Create a space in your home that is just for worship. It can be an altar, it can be a special place for your Bible, it can be a place where you can do yoga or paint in peace. Let it be sacred.

Practical Self Care

Self-care relates to all areas of life. Professional self-care means continuing to learn and advance in your field. Having a job that just makes you happy. Making sure that you have healthy boundaries when it comes to work and home.

Environmental self-care means taking care of your space. Making sure that you’re in a healthy living environment free from danger and abuse. Doing all of those chores and not letting them pile up. Oh hello, depression and anxiety, I see you there.

Financial self-care means budgeting and paying bills on time and saving money if you can.

Self-care isn’t frivolous. It’s a brave and powerful action that says “I’m going to take care of myself in this way.”

What are your favorite types of self-care?

How to Find an LGBT-Friendly College

FINDING THE RIGHT FIT is important for any college student; for the LGBT community, that especially rings true.

Historically marginalized and discriminated against, the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community is now embraced at many colleges across the U.S. Experts say that colleges increasingly want to be viewed as welcoming, diverse and inclusive of all.

"By and large, today's college campus wants to be seen as diverse and inclusive, and that includes LGBT young people. The challenge, for a family member or a student, is finding a college that actually has an institutional commitment to LGBT young people," says Shane Windmeyer, founder and executive director of Campus Pride, an online resource for LGBT students.

Institutional commitment, experts agree, is key to determining how well LGBT students fare on a college campus. To gauge this commitment, students should look at factors such as housing and restroom policies, curriculum, resources and representation.

Check Out the College's Nondiscrimination Policy

LGBT advocates say that one important starting point for prospective students is to examine a college's nondiscrimination policies. To find a college's nondiscrimination policy, search online using that term and the school name.

"For LGBTQ students, the first thing I recommend (they look at) is, does the college that you're looking at have a nondiscrimination policy? And does it include sexual orientation and gender identity? Now there may be campuses, that would be perfectly fine that don't have this included. But that is a red flag that says 'We didn't think of you,'" says Luca Maurer, director of LGBTQ education, outreach and services at Ithaca College in New York.

What's in the nondiscrimination policy – or not included – can be telling, experts say.

"Is that policy fully enumerated? We know that policies that are enumerated, which means it mentions all the categories covered tend to be much more effective than general policies," says Jean-Marie Navetta, director of learning and inclusion at PFLAG, a national organization founded in 1973 to support LGBT individuals.

Windmeyer cautions students to pay attention to religions exemptions to Title IX that are granted to some schools. Title IX is a civil rights law that prevents discrimination on the basis of sex. An exemption, Windmeyer says, "allows colleges to discriminate openly."

Zahida Sherman, director of the Multicultural Resources Center at Oberlin College in Ohio, suggests looking into campus climate. She notes that colleges occasionally survey students and employees to gauge their views on matters related to campus life.

"That will tell you really interesting things about how the campus has experienced bias-related incidents, those uncomfortable incidents targeting an individual or a group identity that typically leave people feeling unsafe or unwelcome," Sherman says.

Look Into Housing and Bathroom Policies

Housing and restroom policies can go a long way toward making a college campus feel welcoming to LGBT students, experts say.

"For students who might identify as nonbinary in terms of gender identity, are there policies that address how they will be treated and how they will be handled, and things like dorms, gym lockers and restrooms?" Navetta asks.

Maurer points to gender-inclusive housing as a good example of an LGBT-friendly policy. Open housing allows students to live with a roommate of their choice regardless of gender identity. For transgender and nonbinary students, this makes housing less complicated he says. Before Ithaca College changed its policy in 2016, those students would meet with Maurer to discuss accommodations, an option that still exists for students to ensure their needs are met.

Bathrooms are another important aspect of the physical environment for transgender and nonbinary students. Many schools list bathroom policies online. If that policy is unavailable on the college website, students can check with an admissions officer or a school's LGBT center – if it has one – for clarification.

"All-gender restrooms provide a great option for students in lots of different kinds of situations and with different experiences," Maurer says. 

Maurer adds that a chosen name process, where students specify what should appear on class rosters and student ID cards, is also important. This, Maurer says, indicates a college's commitment to the needs of transgender and nonbinary students.

Find Out What Resources Are Available for LGBT Students

Experts say that most colleges will have LGBT student organizations, but that's only a starting point.

"If they don't go beyond that, I really question – especially in 2019 – what is their institutional commitment?" Windmeyer says.

Funded LGBT spaces can be indicative of a school making that commitment, Sherman says. "I encourage students and families to see if college campuses have any particular resource centers, with full-time professional staff to support LGBTQ students."

Navetta says students should also pay attention to programming specifics at campus-hosted LGBT activities to determine if the offerings are inclusive of the whole community. For example, she asks "are they ... talking about gender identity and sexual orientation, or is it just one or the other?"

Resources for staff also are important. Experts advise students to ask about training opportunities for faculty and staff.

"I would want to know, do many faculty and staff have the opportunity to receive professional development about how to how to create welcoming environments in the classroom and how to interrupt bias in co-curricular activities?" Maurer says. He adds that prospective students should consider what kind of policies and benefits exist for same-sex partners of campus employees.

Maurer points to Campus Pride as a good tool for students to learn more about how schools approach these matters.

Navetta says colleges should demonstrate cultural competencies for LGBT students across all departments. For example, counseling and health services should be trained on how to deal with mental and physical issues prevalent among LGBT youth.

Research LGBT Representation in Curriculum

When considering potential colleges, Sherman urges students to look into academic offerings. For example, are there majors or minors in queer studies or gender and sexuality?

“If so, that tends to be a good sign that the institution is committed to scholarly inquiry about LGBTQ communities, experiences, culture, history," Sherman says.

But LGBT representation shouldn't be limited to those majors alone, Navetta says. "Are LGBT stories being incorporated into curriculum?" she asks, suggesting that there is room in materials and discussions to address LGBT matters in other classes. "When you look at the classes, if there is nothing related to LGBT culture, history, literature, anything like that, I think those should be red flags. I think when people don't see themselves represented, that to me is the first red flag right there."

Maurer encourages prospective students to look for LGBT "mentions, cases studies and references" across all disciplines. He says students should inquire about curriculum offerings during their college search and ask admissions staff about LGBT representation. Another option, he adds, is to ask to be connected with a current student at the school to discuss these matters.

Consider Campus Location, But Don't Overthink It

Though same-sex marriage is legal across all states now, policies can still vary on other issues of importance for the LGBT community. Some states offer more protections than others, with laws that prohibit employment and housing discrimination against LGBT individuals, bar conversion therapy, offer state health benefits to eligible transgender citizens and more.

"Empirically speaking, there are some states where we know there are more resources available for people who are LGBTQ," Navetta says.

But a state's record on LGBT issues is not necessarily indicative of how a campus in that state welcomes and supports that community.

Oberlin College, for example, is well known for being LGBT-friendly, despite Ohio scoring in the lowest category of the 2018 State Equality Index, a state-by-state overview of LGBT protections put out by Human Rights Campaign, an LGBTQ advocacy group.

"The state doesn't have the final say on what your campus, your college experience can be," Sherman says.

Windmeyer also notes that students should consider campuses within context. For example, a progressive college in Texas may not be on par with a counterpart in California but is ahead of the rest of the Lone Star State when it comes to LGBT issues. In that instance, the measuring stick applied to the campus may need to be adjusted if a student plans to stay within the state.

"Sometimes that campus is working hard. They're not perfect, but they have a commitment," Windmeyer says.

Understanding and Managing Holiday Stress

Welcome to the holiday season—that whirlwind of gift-giving holidays, marketing blitzes, holiday parties, and activities galore that begins right after Halloween, builds to Thanksgiving and continues gaining momentum through the end of the year.

While this season is meant to bring feelings of love and cheer, it’s also the harbinger of holiday stress for many. In fact, according to a poll conducted on this site, more than 80% of us find the holiday season to be ‘somewhat’ or ‘very’ stressful—that ranks navigating the holidays right up there with asking for a raise! What is it that has us all so hot and bothered?

Doing too Much 

All things in moderation, as the saying goes. The problem with the holiday season is that we often experience too much of a good thing. While stress itself is necessary for our survival and zest for life (researchers call this positive type of stress "eustress"), too much stress has a negative impact on our health, both mental and physical. Too many activities, even if they are fun activities, can culminate in too much holiday stress and leave us feeling frazzled, rather than fulfilled.

Eating, Drinking, and Spending too Much 

An overabundance of parties and gift-giving occasions lead many people to eat, drink and be merry—often to excess. The temptation to overindulge in spending, rich desserts or alcohol can cause many people the lasting stress of dealing with consequences (debt, weight gain, memories of embarrassing behavior) that can linger long after the season is over. Also, in these more difficult financial times, finding affordable gifts can be stressful in itself, and carrying holiday debt is a tradition that too many people unwittingly bring on themselves, and the stress that comes with it can last for months.

Too Much Togetherness 

The holidays are a time when extended families tend to gather. While this can be a wonderful thing, even the most close-knit families can overdose on togetherness, making it hard for family members to maintain a healthy balance between bonding and alone time. Many families also have roles that each member falls into that have more to do with who individuals used to be rather than who they are today, which can sometimes bring more dread than love to these gatherings.

Not Enough Togetherness 

For those who don’t have these family issues, loneliness can be just as much of a problem. As the world seems to be gathering with family, those who rely more on friends for support can feel deserted and alone.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) 

An often unrecognized problem that comes with the holiday season is actually a by-product of the seasons changing from fall to winter. As daylight diminishes and the weather causes many of us to spend more time indoors, many people are affected to some degree by a type of depression known as seasonal affective disorder. It’s a subtle but very real condition that can cast a pall over the whole season and be a source of stress and unhappiness during a time that people expect to feel just the opposite.

Minimizing Holiday Stress 

The great thing about holiday stress is that it’s predictable. Unlike many other types of negative stress we encounter in life, we know when holiday stress will begin and end, and we can make plans to reduce the amount of stress we experience and the negative impact it has on us.

Here are some tips you can try to help reduce holiday stress before it begins so that it remains at a positive level, rather than an overwhelming one:

Set Your Priorities 

Before you get overwhelmed by too many activities, it’s important to decide what traditions offer the most positive impact and eliminate superfluous activities. For example, if you usually become overwhelmed by a flurry of baking, caroling, shopping, sending cards, visiting relatives and other activities that leave you exhausted by January, you may want to examine your priorities, pick a few favorite activities and really enjoy them, while skipping the rest.

Take Shortcuts 

If you can’t fathom the idea of skipping out on sending cards, baking, seeing people, and doing all of the stuff that usually runs you ragged, you may do better including all of these activities in your schedule, but on a smaller scale.

Send cards, for example, but only to those with whom you maintain regular communication. Or, don’t include a personal note or letter in each one. Find a way to simplify. The same goes for the baking—will anyone be enraged if you buy baked goods from the bakery instead? If you find ways to cut corners or tone down the activities that are important to you and your family, you may enjoy them much more.

Be Smart With Holiday Eating 

During the holidays, we may want to look and feel great (especially if we're around people we don't see often—we know that this is how we'll be remembered), but there is so much temptation in the form of delicious food and decadent desserts, and a break from our regular routines—plus the addition of emotional stress—can all add up to overeating, emotional eating, and other forms of unhealthy eating. This year, plan ahead by being aware of your triggers, do what you can to have some healthy food at hand for each meal, be aware of your intake, and practice mindful eating. The resource below will provide more in-depth information on how to successfully do these things and more.

Change Your Expectations for Togetherness 

With family and friends, it’s important to be aware of your limitations. Think back to previous years and try to pinpoint how much togetherness you and your family can take before feeling negative stress. Can you limit the number of parties you attend or throw or the time you spend at each? Can you limit your time with family to a smaller timeframe that will still feel special and joyous, without draining you?

Also, when dealing with difficult relatives, it’s okay to set limits on what you are and are not willing to do, including forgoing your visits or limiting them to every other year.

For those who experience loneliness during the holidays, consider inviting a group of friends to your home. If virtually everyone you know is with family during the holidays, you might consider volunteering to help those less fortunate than yourself. Many people report these experiences to be extremely fulfilling, and your focus will be on what you have rather than what you lack.

Set a Schedule 

Putting your plans on paper can show you, in black and white, how realistic they are. If you find a time management planner and fill in the hours with your scheduled activities, being realistic and including driving time and downtime, you will be able to see if you’re trying to pack in too much. Start with your highest priorities, so you will be able to eliminate the less important activities. Be sure to schedule in some time to take a walk in nature each day if at all possible, as exercise and exposure to daylight can drastically reduce or even eliminate the symptoms of SAD. (If climate or other factors prohibit this, try to find some time to sit by a window and look out; several minutes of exposure to natural light, even if through a window pane, can help.)

Breathe 

This sounds like a no-brainer, but sometimes we forget to take deep breaths and really give our bodies the oxygen we need. It's great if you can take ten minutes by yourself to do a breathing meditation, but merely stopping to take a few deep, cleansing breaths can reduce your level of negative stress in a matter of minutes, too. If you visualize that you are breathing in serenity and breathing out stress, you will find the positive effects of this exercise to be even more pronounced.

The Importance of Practicing Radical Acceptance

When we try to grasp for “a false sense of control” or fight against situations/emotions that we cannot change, this often leads to suffering. While there are certainly situations or circumstances in life that are within our control, often there are times when we simply are unable to change the reality of a situation.

One important skill from dialectical behavioral therapy, called “radical acceptance,” can help people to enhance their quality of life and may help to reduce unnecessary suffering.

What Is Radical Acceptance?

A common formula that is often discussed in relation to this concept is the idea that,

“Pain + non-acceptance= suffering.”

When a situation, event, or emotion is out of our control, fighting against it (i.e. non-acceptance) often leads to suffering.

When a reality is painful, it’s natural to try to push it away, fight against it, or numb out through unhealthy coping mechanisms (i.e. drinking, restricting, bingeing, etc). These strategies might cause a temporary sense of “relief.” However, they only serve to bury the underlying issue and cause people to feel even worse in the long-term.

Radical Acceptance Is

• Acceptance of things as they are.

• Understanding what we can and cannot control in life.

• Being non-judgmental.

• Looking at “just the facts” of the situation.

• Acknowledging our situation.

• Letting go and not fighting against reality.

• An ability to tolerate the present moment, even if it’s painful or uncomfortable.

• Mindfulness of our emotions and allowing ourselves to lean into the discomfort of painful emotions. (remembering that no feeling lasts forever and if we can sit with them, they will eventually rise and peak on their own-much like ocean waves).

What Radical Acceptance Is Not

There are some common misconceptions about radical acceptance. Thus, it’s important to be clear about what radical acceptance is not.

Radical Acceptance Is Not

• Judging situations or emotions as “good” or “bad.”

• Condoning behaviors.

• Giving up your needs.

• Ignoring or denying a situation.

• Never asserting your thoughts/feelings.

• Acceptance does not equal agreement.

An Example of Radical Acceptance

A basic example of radical acceptance is to imagine that you are driving to an important meeting and you are stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. You can choose to dwell in your anger and frustration, asking “why did this have to happen today?” and judging your emotional reaction or the situation. Or, you can work to “radically accept” the situation (and that you cannot change it), as well as the anger and frustration that you feel.

Radical acceptance in this situation can help you to shift focus from unproductive ruminating and to think about what might be a better use of your time and energy. For instance, when I’m stuck in traffic-I might acknowledge that the situation is frustrating and mindfully accept my emotional reaction, and then think about how I can use this time to benefit me (i.e. playing a podcast or calling someone I care about).

Seek Help

If you are struggling with applying this skill, or are battling with a mental illness, it’s so important to reach out for help from a trained professional.

Seeking help when you are suffering is a sign of true strength, not weakness.

Through “radical acceptance” you can learn how to tolerate pain and discomfort, in the service of living a truly meaningful life.